Prank Letters

Dear Fresh Fruit People,

If there are three things in the world that I love, it’s Dole Bananas, Cheerios, and my wife. In that order. But yesterday I made an amazing discovery that I wanted to share with you:

Every morning, without fail, I sit down at the kitchen table and eat a banana, drink a glass of delicious Dole Pineapple Juice, and then eat a bowl of Cheerios.

However, yesterday morning I was running late for my job as an exterminator’s assistant, so I decided to do a little something different—eat my banana and my Cheerios at the same time. However, the bannana fell into the Cheerios. As you can imagine, I was extremely distraught. But not wanting to waste any time picking the banana out of the Cheerios, I decided to just go ahead and eat them together.

That is when I made this amazing discovery—Dole Bananas & Cheerios—Two great tastes that taste great together (feel free to use that)

You might want to team up with General Mills to heavily advertise this new recipie, which I feel will make millions of Dole Banana-loving Americans go to sleep each night in anticipation of a hearty breakfast of Dole Bananas and Cheerios (together at last!)

And don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of asking for money for this ingenious idea. Sharing this delicious breakfast with millions of hungry people is enough for me. A keychain would be nice though.

A great Dole Banana fan,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Thank you for your message to Dole Food Company. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us. Your message has been forwarded to the appropriate department for response. You will be receiving a response as soon as possible.

This is an automated announcement from Dole Food Company. Please do not respond to this message.

Thank You

Dear General Mills,

I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I love your cereals! I eat them every morning, without fail. My seven children (Seth, Beth, Keith, Steve, Bobby, Stacie, and Chocula) also love your cereals just as much as I do.

I am writing to you to ask if it would be possible to have an autographed picture of those three whacky characters, Snap, Crackle, and Pop sent to my daughter Stacie. She anxiously sits in front of the television for hours at a time waiting to see their crazy antics. It is her 5th birthday coming up, and this would really make her day!

A keychain would be nice, too.

Your biggest fan,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Dear Mr. Cilluffo,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. The product you referred to is not manufactured by General Mills.

Unfortunately, we are unable to supply the address of the company that produces this product. You may want to contact the public library in your community for assistance.

We appreciate your thinking of General Mills, and regret we were unable to be of help.

Sincerely,

Pam V.
General Mills Consumer Services

Dear M&M/Mars,

First of all, I’d like to let you know that I love your M&M candies! I have been eating them for as long as I can remember. Even when the government found out the red ones caused cancer and made you pull them from the market, I stood by you! If I HAD gotten cancer from eating M&M’s, you can bet your bottom dollar that I wouldn’t be running to a lawyer’s office to sue you, no siree! At least I would know I died eating the food I love—M&M’s!!! I guess that explains the 511 pounds on my 5’7” frame, but I digress…

The reason I am writing is because I recently bought a brand new Panasonic TV. Unfortunately, Panasonic put the wrong TV in the box, so I am unable to get cable, but I can’t really comment any more on that until the lawsuit is settled. I’m sure you understand. Anyway, without cable, the most entertaining thing I have seen on TV is those commercials featuring the zany antics of those little walking, talking M&M’s. My 7 children (Buck, Zoe, Clarissa, Oscar, Ebenezer, Joachim, and Chocula) love them even more that I do!

As it is Zoe’s 5th birthday coming up, and I’d like to make this birthday memorable for her, I’d like to rent several of the M&M’s characters for her birthday party on June 5th, 1998. I would gladly pay $10,000 per M&M for the 6 hour party, as well as a $200,000 deposit against accidental death or dismemberment. Money is no object, as I own a successful exterminating company.

You’re probably worried about their safety around a bunch of 5 year olds, but I can assure you that they would be handled with the upmost care.

Please respond as soon as possible, as I already told Zoe that she would be getting something extra-special for her birthday, and I’d hate to see the disappointment on her face if I can’t arrange this in time for her party. Any promotional items you offer would be great as well (preferably a keychain).

Melting in my mouth,

David M. Cilluffo

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Follow-Up Letter

Dear M&M/Mars Div of Mars, Inc.,

Several days ago I sent you an email message regarding the rental of several of the talking M&M’s from your tv commercials for my daughter Zoe’s birthday party (June 6th).

My son, Buck, keeps asking me why you haven’t answered me. “They’re just busy coating rich, creamy milk chocolate in a delicious candy shell, son,” I keep telling him, but it’s easy to see how an impressionable 7 year old boy can only buy this excuse for so long.

“Maybe they misplaced my letter,” I thought to myself, so I have kindly attached my original missive to this letter. Please answer soon, so that I don’t lose face in front of my son Buck (age 7). And, as Zoe’s birthday is a mere 2 weeks away, I’d like to get the monetary part of this agreement settled as soon as possible, as the legal documents may take a bit of time to draw up.

I realize I didn’t give you much advance notice of my desire to rent these cute little creatures, but my daughter only recently mentioned the possibility to me, and I’d hate to break her heart.

Thank you,

David M. Cilluffo

Dear Friend:

Can you afford to putt around aimlessly with 43% of your score?

Putting represents 43% of your golf score. That is why it is so critical that you use the latest putter technology to give you the edge on your putting game.

Introducing the Mongoose Putter

This unique putter series has truly revolutionary cutting edge technology to assist you to raise your putting game to new levels.

Starting with their stealth shape that helps you line up the golf ball; to their fine crafted construction that hones its precision— the Mongoose Series Putters can make the difference in your game!

Here are just a few benefits that will bring home the true value of these clubs:

• Duel sight lines make it easier to aim your shot and increase your Birdy or Eagle conversions.

• Its centered shaft has a light degree of angle that makes you keep your head over the golf ball and target the hole with natural accuracy.

• The Mongoose’s flat bottom allow it to stand by itself (on a reasonably smooth-level surface) to let you move around and plan your shot from every angle while steadying your line of sight.

• Brass inserts give you the feel of confidence with every stroke.

• Pendulum weighting assure proper balanced swing for ultimate control and precision.

• The Mongoose line has many customizable features to precisely fit every golfer’s needs. These putters are made to order.

Best of all, with all these resounding benefits the Mongoose Series is reasonably priced and comes with a full 45 days no reasons asked money back guarantee. If you are not completely satisfied return the putter for a full refund (minus S&H).

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The Reply

Gentlemen,

I am an avid golfer. Although the temperatures were in the low 30’s yesterday, I was on the golf course like I am almost every morning. I have been looking for a way to improve me game, because the hole where you have to hit the ball into the clown’s mouth has always been worsening my score. But after receiving your email, I am thinking about giving up golf forever!

I cannot believe anybody would sacrifice and innocent mongoose just to improve their golf score! The mongoose is a gentle, often misunderstood creature! Just because they are not human doesn’t mean they deserve to die just so you can make putters out of them! I am forwarding your email to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelety to Animals!

Dear Veterans,

My name is David Cilluffo and I am in Mrs. Feltersnatch’s 8th grade english class and we are talking about jobs and we have to write a letter to a job we want to have some day so I am writing to you because I like veterans.

I want to be a veteran when I grow up because I saw a show on tv about veterans and how they help people who need help. My teacher said that we have to have stuff about how school you have to have for your job and stuff about it so can you please send it to me. And we have to tell the people at the job why we want to do it. Thank you.

So I will tell you why I want to be a veteran. I want to be a veteran because last year when my dog Laddie got hit by a exterminator’s truck he got hurt really bad. My dad said that my dog was stupid and now we can’t get a new panasonic tv because we have to pay the veteran to help Laddie. But I know that the veteran saved my dog and that’s why I want to be a veteran. Please write to me with stuff about being a veteran so I get a good grade on my paper. Thank you.

David Cilluffo

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The Reply

Dear Mr. Cilluffo:

Thank you for contacting the Department of Veterans Affairs. This agency is charged with administering benefits provided by law for veterans of the armed forces. A veterinarian is a person who practices veterinary medicine or surgery. Someone who treats animals. I hope this clear up the difference between veteran and veterinarian.

Sincerely,

Shirley M.
VA Consumer Affairs Service

Dear Counts of Cessation,

When I was a young boy growing up in rural Pennsylvania, I would sit at home waiting for my dad to come home from a long day at work (he was an exterminator’s assistant). As soon as he got home, he would crack open a fifth of Jim Beam and light up a cigarette. Sure, he had a violent temper and a habit of wrecking his cars a lot, but when it came to being a good father, he was second to none (except for maybe those TV sitcom fathers, like Bill Cosby).

Although he would beat me and my siblings (Jed, Jeb, Clem, Sally, Mary, Betsy, Ezekiel, and Quan Pham-Duc) senseless when he was on one of his drinking marathons (and there were a LOT of them, believe me, my friends), we knew that he loved us unconditionally. In fact, the only thing he loved more than us were his cigarettes.

When I saw him sit down in front of our Panasonic TV and light up a Camel, I couldn’t believe the look of tranquility that came over him. When that first breath of smoke hit his lungs and sent the nicotine surging through his blood, he looked like the happiest man alive.

Now, five years after his untimely death (he was killed in a freak car washing accident), I have been thinking about my father’s love for cigarettes. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes as I type this. I actually (for the first time in my life) went out and bought a pack of cigarettes (Camel—Dad’s brand).

I pulled the first cigarette out of the pack, gently inserted it between my lips, and, shivering in anticipation, applied the flame to the tip of the cigarette. “SWEET JESUS!!!” I bellowed, “This is the worst thing I have ever tasted!” I can’t understand how dad could be relaxed by smoking that…filth (for lack of a better word). But, as his oldest son, I am willing to try.

This is where you come in, my friends: I would like to know if you have any tips to help me “kick start” the habit, so to speak. What about your nicotine gum? Would it be easier to start smoking if I were already addicted to nicotine? Please let me know if this is a feasible way to start smoking, as I don’t want to spend all that money and still hate cigarettes.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy is a few packs short of a carton,” but let me assure you that I am sincere in my desire to live up to my father’s expectations. Please let me know how you can help.

Thanks in advance,

Dave Cilluffo

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The Reply

Thank you for visiting our Nicorette website and for contacting us.

We can’t help you. We do not recommend that you use Nicorette.

Dear Health For Women,

I wanted to commending you on your excellent website! Ever since I was little girl growing in South Korea as the youngest of 11 children, I have dreamed of being a mother. As I carry 511 pounds on my 4’ 11” frame, this was a dream I thought would never come true.

But that all changes 3 weeks ago when I met Dave—it was love at first site! He came to my modest apartment to get rid of some vermin in the kitchen (he’s an exterminator’s assistant) and we have been unable to keeping away from each other since then! Last week we were married, and although he have 9 children from 8 previous marriages, we decided to “add” to the family.

Unfortunately, although we have been try for approximately 8 days, we have been unable to conceive a child. In last 8 days, I have purchased 4 of your Fortel Home Pregnancy Kits. At 7.99 each (plus shipping), this is not exactly inexpensive, but I figured that the miracle of having a child was worth it. However, although we have tried 4 times (admittedly we didn’t follow the instructions the first time), your home pregnancy kits have been unsucessful in getting me pregnant. I would very much like to have a child (as I said earlier, it is my lifelong dream), I willing to keep trying, but spending 7.99 (plus shipping) every other night is going to be very trying on my finances.

I realize most corporations don’t like to failure, but is it possible that I have purchased 4 defective pregnancy kits in a row? I can understand one, or even two defective kits, but after using the fourth, surely I should have become pregnant.

I have decided that I will try one more kit, and if it doesn’t works, I will be forced to try another brand.

Is it possible that I am unable to conceive? I have a deathly fear of doctors and other people in white, so going to physician is out of the question. Also, on your kits, you should make several different types (i.e. let mothers-to-be choose the hair and eye color of their children, height, etc.)

Thank you for your time,

Kim-Li Cilluffo

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The Reply

Dear Kim-Li:

A pregnancy test does not get you pregnant. The intent of the test is to determine if you are pregnant and NOT to get you pregnant, the instructions explicitly say this. You take a pregnancy test the first day of a missed period to see if you are pregnant since a missed period is usually one of the first signs of pregnancy.

If you have some basic medical questions about women’s reproductive systems, I would recommend looking at Planned Parenthood. They have excellent information on pregnancy, ovulation, etc.

Women who are trying to conceive often use an Ovulation Predictor Test which tells you when you are ovulating.

Here is an excerpt from Planned Parenthood on ovulation:

There are seven or eight days a month when women can become pregnant from vaginal intercourse.

• Sperm can live up to five days in the vagina. So women can become pregnant from having vaginal intercourse up to five days before ovulation.

• The egg lives a day or two after ovulation. This means that women are “fertile” (able to get pregnant) up to two days, and perhaps even longer, during and after ovulation.

• In total, a woman may become pregnant from vaginal intercourse during eight days of her menstrual cycle — up to five days before ovulation, the day of ovulation, and two days following ovulation. A woman’s menstrual cycles may vary from month to month, so it may be hard for her to know when intercourse can cause pregnancy.

Sincerely,

Anne
Customer Service

Dear American Bar Association,

Ever since the age of 5, and my mother’s 6th divorce, I knew that I wanted to be a lawyer. Unfortunately, we had a very large family (9 children under the age of 8) which can get quite expensive, as I’m sure you understand, so I was unable to attend our fine community college here.

But many years have gone by, and I am making a comfortable living as an exterminator’s assistant, and I believe it is finally time to realize my dream—becoming a lawyer!

As I would have to keep my job (I have 9 kids from 7 marriages to feed) I was hoping that I could enroll in one of your correspondence courses. I believe that it would be easier if I could get my law degree from the comfort of my own home. And, if I may be immodest for a moment, I am quite an accomplished reader, so I could probably finish the course within 6 months or so.

Please send me the first lesson of the course to the below address and let me know how you would like me to pay for it. (Do you accept Shell gas cards?)

Dreaming of litigation,

David M. Cilluffo (<—good lawyer name)

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The Reply

I congratulate you on your decision to become a lawyer, however, the ABA does not handle correspondence courses for law degrees. What I would suggest is that you contact the State of California, Office of Admissions at 555 Franklin Street, San Francisco, CA 94102; telephone number 415/561-8303. They may be able to help you with a correspondence course. Good luck!

Sherry G.

Dear Auto Insurance Aristocrats,

I am writing to you because I saw one of your ads on TV advertising your 24 hour auto insurance. The ad said I could save 15% or more. This sounds great to me. You see, as I have been in 39 at-fault accidents, had 9 speeding tickets, 15 other moving violations, and 2 DUI convictions (plus one pending) in the last 16 months, the state is charging me slightly more than $23,000 a year for insurance. Now, the money doesn’t matter so much, as I run a successful exterminating business, but saving more than $3,000 a year is ok by me. Money is money, you know?

Anyhow, I would like some information on purchasing one of your policies. How do these 24 hour policies work? Do I renew the policy every morning, or just the days I plan on driving?

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your interest in GEICO. At this time we are unable to offer coverage based on the number or occurrences on your driving record.

Sincerely,

Debbie W.

Dear Uniroyal Tire People,

I own a 1987 Firebird that I bought new in 1991. As it was a leftover, I got a pretty good deal on it. I don’t mean to brag, but I got them to knock $500 off the sticker. Anyways, although I have 7 small children (ranging from 1’10” to 4’9”) I have no problem whatsoever hauling them around. Until January 1, 2000, that is.

You see, on the morning of January 1, I went out to my car at the ungodly hour of 9:46 am to go to work (I’m an exterminator’s assistant). Well, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a red Firebird with 4 flat tires. Well, they sure weren’t flat the night before when I had a bitter breakup with my live-in girlfriend (Ursula). I have been pondering this dilemma for almost 3 weeks now, and just learned some distressing news.

Apparently, there is some sort of worldwide glitch known as “Y2K” which can cause all sorts of things to go haywire, from shoelaces to Panasonic “TV”s. I guess it has something to do with dates being screwed up or something. Why the media never alerted the public to this potential disaster, I’ll never know, but I digress…

What I am wondering is if it’s possible that these tires are not “Y2K” compliant. I mean, you have to admit that 4 tires don’t go flat overnight like that for no reason. So obviously, it has to be a problem with this “Y2K” thingy.

So what I want to know from you is, what do intend to do about this problem? Once I found out about this “Y2K” glitch in my tires, I was planning on marching (I can’t very well drive, can I?) to my attorney’s office to settle this, but I think it’s only fair to give you the opportunity to replace these defective tires before I take legal action and possibly damage your good name.

Thanks in advance for your prompt reply,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Thank you for your interest in Uniroyal tires. We will get back to you with an answer to your question or response to your comments as soon as possible.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I saw one of your commercials on TV last night that shows how much easier life will be after using Shell gasoline (I believe the commercial I saw showed a woman breaking out of a traffic jam on a stretch of elevated highway). Obviously, you have gone to great lengths to develop this technology (elevating sections of roadway, parking lots containing hidden routes to Shell stations, etc.) but why not share this technology with everyone, not just people who use Shell gasoline.

If you were sitting in a traffic jam, would you be a little unhappy if cars behind you got to move forward on “special” roads simply because they use BP gasoline? Of course not. Several times a month I am late for work because of heavy traffic, and it’s not really fair that Shell reserves this impressive technology because of the brand of gasoline one chooses to use. The nearest Shell gas station is almost 25 miles from my home, so I’m stuck being late until one of the other oil companies can come up with similar technology (which may be awhile, because I’m assuming you have a patent on the elevating freeway)

Thank you for your time,

Dave Cilluffo

PS — How extensive is your network of secret highways? If I were to get a Shell Mastercard, but use it at a competitor’s station, would I still be eligible to use the hidden roads?

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The Reply

I don’t think it is necessary to reply to this message.

Dear Governor Bush,

I am writing to request your help, sir. You see, 13 years ago, my family was traveling across the US when we stopped at a grocery store in Texas. Inside the store, I stole several bread twist ties. My conscience has been eating at me all these years, and I am ready to turn myself in to the proper authorities. But I am worried because I’ve heard awful things about the prisons in Texas. I am willing to waive extradition, and any help or advice on proper procedures would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Thank you for your e-mail message, which will be reviewed by my staff. Although we can’t answer each one personally, I assure you that I value your opinions and am kept informed regularly on the issues of concern to our citizens. I appreciate your interest. Laura joins me in sending best wishes.

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

Dear Lords of Lodging,

I wanted to write you a note to let you know how much I enjoyed staying in one of your fine hotels from July 1-5, 1999. The service was exquisite, the prices reasonable, and insect infestations were at a minimum. I spend about 10 months out of every year staying in hotels and motels in my journeys around the country, but last week was the first time I had the opportunity to stay in one of your fine hotels.

While it’s true that I enjoyed my stay, I was curious about something: I noticed that there was a copy of the Gideon Bible in the nightstand. While I certainly believe in freedom of religion, and would never force my beliefs on others, it’s important that you understand that I am the Oracle of the Light of the Chosen One, and shortly I will assume my rightful throne in Heaven. I’m sure you would like your guests to go to Heaven when they die, so they need to understand that they must become my followers if this is to be.

I think it would help save the souls of millions of people a year if your hotel chains would remove the Gideon Bibles and replace them with the Book of the Righteously Divine Follower of the Chosen. These books are available for a nominal fee, also at the address below. I implore you to think about the souls of your customers, and your employees at once. I think you will agree that this is very important to all concerned, so I will expect your order shortly.

Yours In Holiness,

David M. Cilluffo
The Chosen One

PS: Please send me a Ramada Inn keychain.

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No response, so I write to E.B., senior vice president of corporate communications for the Cendant Corp., which owns Ramada.

Dear Mr. Bloom,

For more than a month now, I have been trying to contact someone from Cendant Corporation concerning my stay at a Ramada Inn in July. So far, the only response I have received is a form letter from someone claiming to be Judy F., E-mail Administrator. I have kindly included a copy of my original correspondence, and I am confident that once you read it, you will see the seriousness of this issue and act on it at once.

I tried to send an email to the contact person you have listed on your website, but the email bounced back, saying “Unknown Recipient.” You may want to look into that. Thanks in advance for your prompt reply,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

E.B. writes:

Dear Mr. Cilluffo:

I have forwarded your message to Ramada. You should hear back from someone very soon. I am sorry you’ve had trouble contacting Ramada. Hopefully, your issue will be resolved to your satisfaction.

Sincerely,

E.B.

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Judy F. writes:

We apologize that you have not received a response. We have again forwarded your e-mail to our Customer Service Department and they will be responding directly to you by mail.

Thank You

Judy F.
E-mail Administrator

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Now here’s where it gets interesting. Somehow, this next email from Doug A. to Judy F. ended up in my inbox. I don’t know if it was a mistake, or if Judy F. has a sense of humor:

Doug A. writes to Judy F.:

Judy: I’m the PR Manager for Ramada in Parsippany and I just received the below e-mail to handle. Can you e-mail everything you have received from this nut-case to date. Thanks,

Doug A.

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Doug A. writes to me:

I was forwarded your e-mail requesting that the Ramada chain purchase your divine scriptures to ensure the “lodging” of its guests in the after-life. Unfortunately, as a franchise organization, each property is individually owned and operated and purchasing decisions (particularly insurance) is made at the property level. All sales-related requests should therefore be directed to the property and not the corporate office.

Thank you.

Doug A.
Ramada Public Relations

Dear Oracle of Oral Hygiene,

When I was young, children were instilled with a sense of values, unlike today. My father made sure I knew right from wrong. Growing up, my friends and I knew not to lie, cheat, steal, kill, or covet our neighbors’ wives. Of course, as I got older, those became a bit of a problem.. I guess that would explain all my prison tattoos, but one thing my dear old father taught me that I never outgrew-brush at least 14 times a day.

I believe that the lack of oral hygiene is one of the most important problems facing American society today. A few years ago, brushing a dozen or so times a day with regular toothpaste was sufficient for adequate oral hygiene. Now we have baking soda, peroxide, baking soda with peroxide, whitening, extra whitening, whitening with baking soda, whitening with peroxide, whitening with baking soda and peroxide, tartar control, tartar control whitening, and others.

One day a few weeks ago, I was having a backyard barbeque, and realized that my guests expected something more than celery and soy sauce for dessert. While I make quite a good living as an exterminator’s assistant, having a little party for 5 people sure can drain the old checking account. And I really couldn’t leave the party to run (I don’t have a car) to the nearest grocery superstore. So thinking fast, I ripped open a package of Oreo cookies, twisted the tops off, and licked all the white sugary stuff off the insides. Grabbing one of the many tubes of Mentadent toothpaste from my hall closet, I spread the toothpaste on each side of the oreo cookies and put them back together. WOW!!! These cookies of mine were a big hit. In fact, since coming up with this delicious snack cookie, which I call “Mentadenteos,” I have sold more than 500 packages. Who would have thought that I could become rich working out of my cockroach infested one bedroom apartment. At then end of July, I will begin a national marketing campaign, which should do quite well.

Anyways, what I was wondering is if it’s more effective to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush, or directly on my teeth when I brush.

Thanks,

Dave Cilluffo

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The Reply

Dear David,

Thanks for the fun! Try putting the paste on your brush, it spreads easier that way.

Julie

After Sherry G. from the ABA suggested I contact the State Bar of California, I wrote to them:

Dear State Bar of California,

I can’t begin to tell you how much law means to me. I guess I could be considered a “law junkie” [meaning a person who has an “addiction” to law].

I was conversing with a good friend of mine, Sherry G. (of the American Bar Association) the other day, and I mentioned to her that I thought it was time I became a lawyer, but I couldn’t afford to go to college (9 kids + 7 marriages = BILLS, my friend!).

Well, Sherry (who has always been one for resourcefulness) told me about your correspondence courses! When I heard that I could become a lawyer in less than 6 months from the comfort of my home, I was overjoyed! I said to Sherry, “this can’t be real,” but she assured me it was!

I want to thank you in advance for allowing me to live my dream! You have truly turned my life around!

Please send me my first lesson, and let me know how you would like me to pay for it:

David M. Cilluffo (<-soon to be lawyer!)

Dear CDC,

Ever since I had my son (Buck) a little over two years ago, I’ve been seeing this “All their shots while they’re tots” thing blasted at me from every which way. Now, next to my cigarettes and the occasional bottle of Jim Beam, my son is the most important thing in my life. So you can imagine how hard it was to get vaccines for him without health insurance. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the doctor, but it sure as heckfire ain’t cheap! Sure, I make a pretty good living as an exterminator’s assistant, but between paying $3 a pack for my smokes, and with gas for my 87 Diplomat going up every day, there ain’t a heck of a lot of money left over for non-necessities. But what the heck, I thought. If Bill Clinton says that immunizations are good for my kid, I’m willing to give it a shot.

Anyhow, I’m writing because I’m a little upset here. I go to the doctor’s office with Buck, and a doctor jams a giant needle in him, and he starts screaming. So for the rest of the day I gotta listen to him. And if that weren’t bad enough, I gotta pay these amazingly high doctor’s bills. And to top it all off, he didn’t get a SINGLE ONE OF THOSE DISEASES, so I guess those shots weren’t even necessary.

Since it looks like you people are pretty respected when it comes to stuff like this, I was hoping you could alert the public and tell them not to waste their money like I did. Just let me know when you’re gonna kick off the advertising campaign, since I’d like to be in one of the commercials. I could use the extra cash, and maybe seeing his old man on TV will help Buck forget about the pain from the shots.

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo

PS-Please send a keychain and some assorted promotional items for my son (Buck)

Dear Sultans of Skincare,

I found your website and it looks like you know pretty much all there is to know about skin care, so I’m hoping you can help me:

I am 18 years old and a senior at Feltersnatch Memorial High School here in rural Pennsylvania. Our senior prom is coming up in a few short days and I’d like to make it extra special for my girlfriend (Ursula). Everyone knows that prom night is THE night to get drunk. The biggest problem is getting the alcohol. You have to be 21 to buy beer and stuff, and I am 18 (3 years too young) and, to make matters worse, I have to admit that I look like I’m about 12.

This is where you come in, friends. Since you make skin cream to make people look younger, would it be possible to make a cream to make me look older? I figure if you can make me look at least 30 or 35 I shouldn’t even need I.D. Is this feasible? Do you get a lot of requests for this product? I didn’t see it offered on your website, but it shouldn’t take your scientists more than an hour or so to make, should it? I make $5.15 an hour at McDonald’s, but I figure your scientists make at least $8.00 an hour, so I’d be happy to pay them for their overtime or whatever. Money is no object as I have my dad’s American Express card. If you don’t take that I can get his Visa, but I’ll have to wait until he forgets to take his wallet to work again (he’s an exterminator’s assistant).

This really means a lot to me, so please don’t take too long to reply. You can send the cream to the address below and let me know how you want me to pay for it. Also, do you have keychains?

Thanks a bunch,

Dave Cilluffo

Dear Nestle/Stouffers/Lean Cuisine,

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. As the world’s largest food manufacturer, I hope you can. I am 5’2” tall and weigh 511 pounds. As you can imagine, this makes it hard to do much except sit in front of my Panasonic 20” TV and eat—A LOT.

I love food. I always have, and I always will, so I figured it would be best if I tried some diet food. Most everyone I talked to suggested Lean Cuisine. The only problem is that I am very picky about what I eat. Mainly, if it isn’t deep fried, I don’t want it. This is where you come in, my friends:

Please send me one month’s supply of the following Lean Cuisine packages:

• Bacon, Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Omlette
• Fried Buffalo Wings (Hot or BBQ)
• Fried Mozzerella sticks

I was happy to learn that lean cuisine makes low fat versions of my favorite foods! Hopefully, I can get down to my “fighting weight” of 135 pounds in a few weeks, with your help. I will tell everyone it was because of you.

Please send the food and let me know how you would like me to pay for it.

Thanks,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

I didn’t receive an actual response to this letter, but they did send me a couple coupons good for 50 cents off any package of Lean Cuisine.

Dear Mayor Lastman,

I have been a resident of Toronto for eight years and I love the ethnic diversity that makes this city what it is. There are countless celebrations in Toronto that make people living here from other countries feel at home and appreciated. This past weekend we celebrated Caribana, and recently had the Gay Pride Parade, the CHIN Picnic and a very successful first Festival Toronto. But I got to thinking, “what does Toronto do for the many British people that live here?”. It’s obvious the influence that the British people have had on our country, our way of life (we speak English for heaven’s sakes!) and our beautiful city. So what can we do to show our appreciation to the British people that live in our city? I think I’ve come up with the perfect idea. For one weekend a year, maybe the Queen’s birthday, you could have all motorists drive on the opposite side of the street! I think that all of the English people (and I’ve heard there are a couple of other countries that also do this) would really appreciate this fitting tribute. I also think this would make things easier, for a couple of days anyway, for those drivers that experience some trepidation when it comes to turning left at a busy intersection. Of course it will make it difficult for them to turn right, but they have already had years of experience with this, so they should have ample confidence.

Another problem it might solve is this so called “road rage” that seems to be rearing its ugly head more and more these days. I think the novelty of driving on the “wrong” side of the street, along with the added challenge of getting used to this new driving practice would make irate drivers more understanding, even if it’s just one weekend a year.

I hope you will consider this idea, and if you decide to “run with it” as they would say in the newspaper business, I give you full permission to take full credit for the idea. Consider this my gift to you for doing such a great job running this city. It’s a privilege to finally have a mayor that is interested in running the city, as opposed to a spokesperson that lets a bone-headed council decide on everything. A couple of good examples of this are the taxation issue in Toronto, which was starting to seem like it was going to be a never-ending issue, much like Quebec separation or abortion. Also you have handled the squeegee problem perfectly. You have shown that you care about this city and the way it looks, and you stood up and showed your backbone, as opposed to sitting by and letting it get out of hand and then saying it’s a sign of the times in a big city.

I, for one, appreciate all the work and effort you put into making Toronto a great city once again. To all of my friends I refer to you as the Rudolph Giuliani of Toronto, because like New York’s great mayor, you took a job that was thankless and many said was pointless. But you have shown what can be done with common sense and hard work. I am also enclosing my resume because I think that somebody like you can always use an “idea guy” and I’m nothing if not an “idea guy”! Feel free to contact me anytime. I’m full of thoughts and I am more than willing to share these thoughts. Keep up the great work and thanks for cleaning up Toronto!

Yours truly,

Daniel W. Drader

Dear State of South Dakota,

Greetings and salutations! I’m writing to you concerning your amazing Mount Rushmore. I was hoping to get a little more information on this amazing rock structure for an article I’m writing for my local church newsletter, entitled “Mount Rushmore: God’s Etch-a-sketch.”

Since it is common knowledge that Mount Rushmore was formed in prehistoric times by a bizzare lightning strike, I am focusing my article on the fact that since the odds of lightning carving those four anonymous faces (we may never know who they were—perhaps disciples?) are so astronomical, the fact that it even exists it proof positive of God’s existence.

To the best of your knowledge, has an article like this ever been written? I have looked for more information on Mount Rushmore, but suprisingly, none seems to exist, so I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on this mysterious phenomenon. Rest assured that you will receive full credit for your input in the article.

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Thank you for your interest in Mt. Rushmore.

Mt. Rushmore was carved by a man named Gutzon Borglum. The memorial took 14 years to complete and was completed in 1927. The memorial is Borglum’s vision for “the formal rendering of the philosophy of our government into granite on a mountain peak.” He carved images of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt.

For more information on Mt. Rushmore, please see the following web sites:

http://www.travelsd.com/rushmore/index.htm

http://www.nps.gov/moru/

If you need further information, please let me know. Thank you!

Dear PennDOT,

Cars. Where would we be without them? Probably not far from where we are now, that’s for sure. With pollution levels going up every day, who wants to walk everywhere? Not me, that’s for sure. But more importantly, who wants to drive on unsafe roads? Nobody. That’s where you come in, friends.

Because of Departments of Transporation around the country, most notably PennDOT, we can be sure that whenever we get behind the wheel of two tons of glass and steel traveling at a breakneck 88 feet per second, we do so in relative safety. While travel by car may not be as safe as, say, air travel, it’s definately safer than these new sports, like bungee jumping and dwarf tossing.

Anyways, the reason I’m writing is because I am confused about one of your well-intentioned, yet seemingly meaningless regulations regarding large vehicles on the highways.

You see, the other day, I was returning a defective non-cable Panasonic TV to the store, I saw something very peculiar. I was traveling along the extremely well-maintained section of Interstate 79 between exits 38 and 41, when I noticed a rather normal looking Chevrolet Blazer. It didn’t seem to be different than any other Blazer I’ve seen traveling our great nation’s highways and byways, with one exception—a giant sign on top that proclaimed, “OVERSIZE LOAD.” As I said before, other than the sign, the Blazer didn’t look larger than any other one I’d ever seen. Admittedly, I was across the medial strip when I saw it from a distance of maybe a hundred yards or so, but still, it didn’t appear to be towering above the vehicles around it.

Now, even more confusing, was the next vehicle I passed. It was an extremely large tractor-trailer that was pulling what appeared to be half of a very large house. Now, THIS was an oversize load if I’ve ever seen one, and can you guess what the sign on it said? Well, neither can I, because there wasn’t one!

Now, I know you’re doing the best you can with the limited funds you receive, but this was ridiculous. I can’t believe you would classify a Chevy Blazer as an oversize load, and a giant semi truck as, I guess a “normalsize load.”

Please explain to me what you were thinking when you came up with the rule,

Dave Cilluffo

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The Reply

Thank you for contacting Driver and Vehicle Services.

Please call OVERSIZED AND OVERWEIGHT TRUCKS or OVERWIDTH TRUCKS for more information.

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us again. Thank you and have a good day.

dvs/bah

Dear Banana Experts,

If there are two things I love in this world, they are bananas and Cheerios. Every morning, without fail, I sit down and read the newspaper, eat my Cheerios (they’re low in fat), and eat a delicious Chiquita banana (in that order). It gives me the perfect breakfast to ensure I have enough energy to make it through the day. However, my tale turns into one of woe: This morning, I overslept, and was unable to get my seven children (Chuck, Jerry, Larry, Sandy, Soda, Jennifer, and Chocula) up in time to catch the school bus. I certainly couldn’t let them skip school, as the judge said he wouldn’t go easy on me the next time. So, I packed them in my minivan and drove them to school.

Upon my return, I realized that I would not have time to sit down and enjoy my breakfast and still make it to work on time (I’m an exterminator’s assistant). While devouring my Cheerios and preparing to eat a delicious Chiquita banana, I suddenly thought to myself, it would be much quicker if I ate the banana and the Cheerios together! I tried it, and boy, was it ever delicious!!! “I think I may be on to something,” I thought to myself. So I immediately took a sick day and sat down to write the people who know more about bananas than anyone else.

My proposal is this: why not market bananas as a delicious (and nutrious) additive for cereal? I know what you’re thinking: it’s so crazy it just might work. Think about it: I, by accident, discovered a breakfast combination that millions may soon come to enjoy. It’s only fair that I share this recipe with millions, if not billions worldwide.

As I love your company and the bananas it makes, I wouldn’t dream of asking for a cent for this discovery, although I think we both know I could justifiably ask for a LOT of money, my friends. Let me know what you plan to start running the advertisements, so I can have my VCR ready. In the meantime, I’ll start mixing bananas with other common foods so I can find other great taste combinations. Maybe bananas and bread? I will keep you informed of my progress.

Cheerios and bananas, two great tastes that taste great together (feel free to use that)

Going bananas,

David M. Cilluffo

To whom it may concern:

Imagine for a moment, if you will, a prisoner spending time in a cell as the holidays approach. He begins to get depressed because he can’t see his wife (Ursula) and 8 children (Jacques, Klaus, Samir, Giselle, Tran, Bob, Rudolph, and Chocula) for the holidays. Then, one day, he receives a notice from the courts that he will be released early in order to go home for the holidays. Naturally, he gets excited, and begins preparing for his journey back into the world. He even goes so far as to give all his belongings to his cellmate, Butch. As the holidays approach, he begins to get more and more anxious until several days before Christmas, a letter arrives from the courts. Nervously, he opens the letter, and what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a letter saying “When we said we were going to let you out early, we didn’t mean YOU. We meant other people in other jails.”

Think for a moment what an earth-shattering blow this must have been to his heart. If you can relate to his heartache and pain, then perhaps you’ll understand how I felt when I tried to sign up for the “only all-digital, all PCS nationwide network from the ground up for clearer calls,” only to be told that my zip code is either invalid, or service is not available in my area.

Now, I’ve seen your wonderful commercials (I watch a lot of “tv”) that implies that I’ll never hear static like ordinary cellular services. Well, I guess that stands to reason, since I apparently won’t be able to hear anything with a non-existent service.

My question to you is this: if this “nationwide” coverage doesn’t include metropolitan areas of 100,000+ people (much like the one I live in), doesn’t it stand to reason that you would hear static as some point when approaching the few areas you actually cover?

Awaiting your timely reply,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Hello David,

I have checked our map with your zip code but unfortunately at this point we donot have service in your area. We are rapidly expanding our 100% digital network service. However, for competitive reasons we cannot provide you with the exact date of our service launch. When we launch in a particular market, you will be notified through a high-profile promotion. Coverage maps are located on our web site at http://www.sprintpcs.com/learn/coverage_intro.asp

Thank you for contacting Sprint PCS.

eCare

Harmeet S.

Dear Hamot Health Foundation,

I am wondering if you can answer some questions for me. I am a 28 year old exterminator’s assistant, and as such am exposed on a daily basis to many extremely poisonous chemicals.

My problem is that for the last few weeks I have been having severe chest pains. Basically, it feels like someone is parking a school bus on my chest. I know it’s not a problem with my heart, because I smoke less than 2 packs a day, am less than 50% above my “ideal” body weight, and I only drink beer—never wine or hard liquor. I can also feel my pulse down my whole left arm most of the time, and a guy I work with tells me that means I have a strong heart.

I think we can both agree that it’s not heart-related (which is good, because both my parents died of heart attacks in their 40s), but I am truly mystified as to what could be causing it. Do you think it could be related to the chemicals I use at work? I was thinking about suing my boss and the company that makes the chemicals for giving me chest pains (sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even walk). Would you be able to go to court and tell them that it’s definately the chemicals giving me these chest pains. I’d be happy to give you a percentage of what I win. Also, if you know a good lawyer, I’d really appreciate it if you could give me his number.

Well, the chest pains are coming back and it’s getting hard to breathe, let alone type, so I’ll sign off for now.

Anxiously waiting your reply,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

David

Thanks for your e-mail. I’m not sure how much help we can be without truly knowing al the details for your problems. My first and only recommendation is to go to your doctor pretty fast. If you cannot get to your doctor, visit an emergency room and have them take a look at you. Chest pain is serious business regardless of what is causing it - let a trained physician diagnose your problem. Good luck.

Thank you

B.H.

Sr. VP of Marketing and Communications

Dear Schwaab,

Two months ago, I wrote to you inquiring about ordering one of your self-inking stamps, yet I still have not heard from you. I have kindly enclosed a copy of my original inquiry in case it got lost:

I am wondering if you could help me. My dad owns a successful exterminating business, so he has lots of money, but he’s real stingy with it. For my 16th birthday, he bought me a new Camaro when he knew that I wanted a Porsche. I mean, it’s not like he can’t afford it! I don’t know why he is so greedy, but I am sick of it! I was hoping you could help me.

If I send you a copy of his signature, could you make me a stamp of it? He leaves his checkbook lying out when he’s in the shower, but I can’t even come close to making my writing look like his signature.

About how long would it take to make the stamp? Let me know how to send you the signature, and send the stamp as soon as you can. I can pay COD by check.

Thanks in advance,

Dave Cilluffo

I have been using the Slim Fast system for about 4 years now, and am very happy with all the products I have tried! Four short years ago, I was just another overweight exterminator’s assistant weighing in at a gargantuan 357 pounds. You can’t imagine some of the stares I would get and the comments people would make, thinking I couldn’t hear (I was bitten by a rabid dog at the age of 4, and have had super-hearing ever since), and let me tell you, friends, sometimes words can hit just as hard as a fist—not quite as hard as a brick or a lead pipe, but fists are hard enough…

Anyways, I was wallowing in pity and despair until 4 years ago, when Slim Fast changed my life! For the past 4 years, I have been drinking Slim Fast shakes 9 or 10 times a day, and snacking on a box of Slim Fast Rich Chewy Caramel Energy Bars between meals, and am proud to say that I am now down my “fighting weight” of 352 pounds! No longer do I hang my head in shame when my girlfriend (Ursula) wants to venture out in public. I stride boldly and tell everyone I meet that I owe it all to Slim Fast. In fact, I even had some Tshirts printed up (6XL) that proudly proclaim “Body by SlimFast.” Now when people stare, I know it’s because they’re gazing in admiration. I owe it all to you, and if you ever need someone to be in one of your commercials, sign me up! Thanks again for changing my life!

Sincerely,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Hello David!

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about the Ultra Slim-Fast plan.

The average weight loss you should expect when following the Slim-Fast Weight Loss Plan is one to two pounds a week. If you are losing weight faster than this, you should increase your calories by adding healthy snacks or a larger serving of protein at your dinner meal. More rapid weight loss than two pounds a week can be associated with health problems.

If your weight loss is slower than one to two pounds a week, you should keep a record of your food intake to make sure you are following the Plan as described. You should have a Slim-Fast shake or Meal On-The-Go Bar to replace two meals a day. Three snacks a day of fruit or Slim-Fast energy bars, along with a sensible dinner of 4-6 ounces of meat, fish, poultry or vegetarian equivalent, 1/2 baked potato, 3 servings of vegetables, and fruit for dessert, complete the Slim-Fast daily recommended intake. You should also drink eight 8 fl-oz glasses of water and exercise 60 minutes a day.

If you are adhering to this Plan and are not losing weight, you may wish to monitor your portion sizes or increase your exercise. Also, everyone experiences what is referred to as a ‘plateau’ where your scale may not reflect your weight loss as your body initially loses fat and gains muscle. Stick with the Plan and gradually weight loss should resume! Because weight loss varies by individual, if you continue to have difficulty losing weight on the Slim-Fast Plan, you may wish to see a registered dietitian for a thorough diet review.

Separately, I have sent you a copy of our “Guide to Healthy Living” which thoroughly reviews the Slim-Fast Plan for weight control and maintenance. Please enjoy the coupons on your next purchase of Slim-Fast.

Sincerely,

Tammy
Consumer Services

As a recently unemployed shepherd and part-time exterminator’s assistant, I find myself following the migration of the tenacious lambion roach, which requires frequent moves (every 3 weeks to 4 months, depending on the current mating cycle). This often causes a problem with letter delivery, as quite often my mail must be forwarded several times before ultimately reaching me (although I’m getting awfully good at filling out those Change of Address cards, as I’m sure you can appreciate). For the longest time I thought that this was one inconvenience I’d be stuck living with, until recently. You see, I’ve solved the problem:

Give every man, woman, and child in the country their own ZIP code. Think about it: instead of having to write a name, address, apartment, city, state, and zip code (after all, that is a lot of writing), you would simply put the zip code of your destination (this would work for the return address as well). Since I came up with this idea, I think it’s only fair that I get to pick my own zip code. I would like my zip code to be 1847328327164A3-99476zx9ds3. So let’s say you want to mail me a letter. You’d put your zip code as the return address, and instead of writing my full address, you’d simply write 1847328327164A3-99476zx9ds3, and the mailman (or femailman) would look the my zip code and send it to me, no matter where I live. I know what you’re thinking: “I wish I’d come up with this. I’d be a millionaire!” Well, fear not, friends. I don’t ask for much. Simply 1 cent per letter mailed. You’re probably thinking, “1 cent per letter mailed? This guy must be crazy. This idea is worth 100 times that!” Well, I am not a greedy man. And this will also save the postal service money (first, there will be no more change of address cards to process. No more writing “address correction requested” on envelopes. No more yellow “notify sender of new address” stickers. No more forcing mail carriers to learn where all the streets are. Now, they just have to memorize a few zip codes and their routes are done in no time.)

Well, I won’t hold you up any longer. You’ll probably want to begin implementing this as soon as possible. Cash would be preferred for my payment (monthly, please), but money orders or cashier’s check are ok too.

Looking forward to a long relationship,

David M. Cilluffo

1847328327164A3-99476zx9ds3

PS—I wrote up and mailed some press releases to the national media (using that antiquated city,state,zip system). I took the liberty of signing the postmaster general’s name—I didn’t think he’d mind.

Dear Vicars of Value,

First of all, I want to tell you what a great store you have. Whether I need diapers (I have 9 children under the age of 8), magazines, or supplies for work (I’m an exterminator’s assistant), I know that I can head to my local Wal-Mart store and find high quality products, low prices, and friendly service.

Unfortunately, last week this was not to be. Before I tell my story, I must begin with a brief introduction. Bear with me, it really is necessary.

You see, last week I discovered that I had a problem with hemorrhoids. While many people would be embarrassed by this fact, I’m not ashamed at all. I mean, if the medicines are so popular, I can’t be the only one with them, can I? Of course not.

When I discovered my affliction, I went straight to the hospital emergency room. Six hours later, when I spoke with the doctor, he told me it was nothing serious, and I should take over-the-counter hemorrhoid medication. Nothing to worry about, indeed! Obviously, he doesn’t have hemorrhoids!

Anways, I hopped on my bicycle and rode straight to…can you guess where? That’s right—Wal-Mart! I walked into the store, said hello to all the employees who greeted me, and went straight to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy. Scanning the shelves, I finally found what I was looking for—Equate (your store brand) Hemorrhoidal Suppositories. I chose your store brand because it contains the same active ingredient as the leading brand, at a much lower price. This is where my sad tale begins, my friends.

You see, I got home, ripped open the package, and gently removed one suppository from its tamper-proof coating. Filling a glass with nice, cool, slightly murky tap water, I quickly swallowed the suppository. Several hours later, not only were my hemorrhoids not cleared up, but my stomach was in knots. I could barely even lift myself out of bed. The next morning, my stomach felt better, but I am apprehensive about trying any more of this medication. Is it possible that I got a defective lot of medication? Please take the time to reply, because I don’t want to keep suffering.

Yours in agony,

David M. Cilluffo

PS—Please send me a Wal-Mart keychain. Thank you

Dear Aveda,

I have been using your shampoo body bar for a few weeks now, and have found it to be excellent. It leaves me feeling soothed and refreshed, and makes me want to bathe every day. But the real reason I’m writing is because I noticed that your products are not “animal tested.”

While the only product of yours that I currently use is the shampoo body bar, I have tested it on my dog, Ramses, and it works just fine. If you would like to send me some other products to test on him, I’d be happy to do it and let you know the results.

Sincerely,

David M. Cilluffo

PS—you can remove the “not tested on animals” thing now, at least for the body bar.

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The Reply

Dear David,

Thank you for visiting the Aveda Web site. We appreciate you contacting us and taking the time to share your comments about the Aveda Shampoo Body Bar and animal testing. Comments from our customers are of great value and a vital source of feedback. I have entered your comments into our Customer Comments Report which is reviewed by the entire company.

While we appreciate your offer, Aveda products are manufactured and intended for human use only and we cannot recommend the continued use of the Shampoo Body Bar or any other Aveda products on your dog. Therefore, I am not able to send you sample products.

Aveda continues to uphold its mission as a company caring for the world we live in, from the products we make, to the ways we give back to society. Aveda products are primarily plant-derived—and in some cases 100 percent pure—and, we are striving to attain a product line made of sustainable, all natural ingredients.

Through its mission of helping to create a sustainable society, Aveda is committed to policies and practices that are ecologically sound, economically viable, socially just, and humane. Aveda has a long-term commitment to efforts assuring the respect and protection of all animals, from endangered species to companion animals.

Aveda has been a consistent and substantial supporter of groups committed to biodiversity, habitat protection, animal rights, humane treatment of animals, alternatives to animal testing, organic farming, and sustainable agriculture.

Aveda is opposed to product safety using animals and has not conducted or endorsed animal testing since its inception in 1978. Accordingly, Aveda has established a state-of-the-art, non-animal and human clinically safety testing program, using a wide range of sophisticated technologies and widely recognized testing procedures.

As part of its efforts to stop product safety testing on animals, Aveda also is attempting to change the practices and policies of its large and diverse number of suppliers. Aveda’s policy is to request a signed affidavit from our suppliers that they have not conducted animal testing on our ingredients within the last five years. If such an affidavit is not received, Aveda will seek alternative suppliers that do follow policy.

Aveda is committed to producing the highest quality plant-based products possible in order to:

*stop the suffering of animals *decrease dependency on possibly hazardous petrochemicals *protect our environment *assure safe working conditions for all employee; and *assure safe, beneficial products for our customer.

Thank you for your interest in Aveda. Please do not hesitate to contact us again if you have further inquiries.

For a greener planet,

Shelly S.
Aveda Customer Relations

I just wanted to take this opportunity to share an idea I had with you. As you well know our beautiful country has always had a small problem with our lack of identity. Some people see Canada as a country full of polite people, some people see Canada as a snow-covered wasteland. Many people don’t see Canada as anything more than “America Light”. I decided that it was time we were taken seriously as a country and a nation of people.

There are many ways we could do this, but it seems as though we would have to spend an outrageous amount of money or the effect would be very short-lived. What we need is an easy, long-term plan for this. I came up with the solution and I want to share it with you.

We change the name of the country from Canada… to Canada!

Do you see the difference? It’s very subtle. We keep the name of the country so that people aren’t confused. Remember the uproar caused when Persia changed its name to Iran? Or when Russia changed its name to… well, whatever it is now. Well, I don’t remember the uproar myself, but I can imagine that people were very much up in arms. I know I get very upset when television stations change the nights that my favorite shows are on. Anyway, I think that by adding that exclamation mark after our name will give us the identity that we’ve been lacking for so long. Not only will it give the world notice that we are now a new country with a new attitude, but we are also a force to be reckoned with.

Imagine there are some tourists vacationing in Europe somewhere and they run into some tough European band of thugs. Normally our mild mannered Canadian citizens might be bullied and harassed. But let’s say they’re not Canadian… but Canadian! They would look at each other and say “Canada! is not a country we want to mess with” and they would leave them alone.

I think it would also solve our problems with Quebec. This has been an ongoing problem for longer than I’ve been alive, but I think it could all be rectified with just a very minor adjustment to the name. What group of people would want to separate from a country with such an exciting name? And the best part about it is that we would be the first country to ever do this. We would be the leaders! I have no doubt that many other countries would start doing the same thing, and maybe a couple of others would try to be a little more original and add a question mark after their name. I would put my money that one of those financially unstable countries would do it. How does “Ethiopia?” sound?

I would like to give you this idea, from one “Canadian!” To another “Canadian!”, in hopes that we can give this country the minor image change it needs. I hope this idea can be of some use to you. We’re all working together to make “Canada!” the best country it can possibly be!

Yours Truly,

A fellow “Canadian!”

Daniel W. Drader

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The Reply

Dear Mr. Drader:

The office of the Prime Minister has sent to the minister of Canadian Heritage a copy of your letter regarding Canada Day. I am replying on behalf of the Honourable Michel Dupuy.

The minister appreciates being made aware of your comments about Canada as well as for your suggestion that the name of the country be changed to Canada!.

While this is indeed an interesting proposal, it would involve an amendment to the Constitution because the name of the country is indicated in the Constitution Act 1867.

Once again, thank you for your views. Please accept our best wishes.

Yours sincerely,

Michel D.
Executive Assistant

Dear Aleve,

I am writing to tell about an experience I recently had with your Aleve pain reliever. My experience was both good and bad. I’ve found that although your pain reliever works as well as you claim, it takes a ridiculously long amount of time to take effect. I’ve also found some serious side effects that you may want to look into. But enough about me, let’s talk about your product.

It all started about 3 months ago. I was knitting a hat for my son, Quan Pham-Duc when I heard a loud “CRACK!!!” and felt a sharp pain in my right leg. Looking down, I noticed a bit of blood and what appeared to be a rather large piece of bone protruding from my right thigh. Although my religion prohibits the use of doctors, I watch E.R. once in a while, and immediately recognized my predicament—a bad sprain. Thinking back to the article on first aid I read years ago, I knew I needed to reduce the swelling. I had my son, Jonah, bring me a hair dryer so I could keep the injury as warm as possible. Those first aid people don’t know much, I can tell you—it didn’t keep it from swelling OR reduce the pain. So I had my son, Nameratuutii, run to the store and buy me some pain reliever. I remembered seeing your commercial on my Panasonic “TV” so I told him to make sure he bought your brand. Well, it took him over 2 hours to return home, by which point I was nearly delerious with pain, so I was rather anxious to take my new Aleve. Well, I took one Aleve (as directed) and waited. And waited. Nothing. I figured that since I’m a pretty big guy (352 pounds) maybe the medicine was having a hard time finding my leg, so I took 4 more Aleves. Approximately one hour later, the pain reduced from an unbearable pain to a slightly less unbearable pain. To make a long story short, I took 8 Aleve tablets a day for 7 weeks before it reduced the pain to a bearable level. That doesn’t sound like “All day strong” to me. You really should have mentioned on the bottle that you have to take this product for 2 months before it starts to work.

My other problem is the side effects. In the 3 months I’ve been using Aleve my skin on my leg has gone from a pasty white to a grayish-black color. And the smell! I won’t even get into that. Obviously, your Aleve is to blame, as this never happened until I started taking Aleve. My neighbor said I should “sue” you, as I haven’t been able to get off the couch for 3 months now. Luckily for you, my religion forbids the use of lawyers as well, so I guess I’ll have to find another way to get some money out of you.

I don’t know what you’re putting in your medicine that takes so long to work AND produces such horrid side effects, but next time I get a sprain, you can bet I’ll be using Motrin.

Sincerely,

David M. Cilluffo

Dear Kings of Kopiers: (feel free to use that)

I just started a new job as an exterminator’s assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients. Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper.

While the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I’d better check with you about it.

On your package, in big letters, it says “99.99% jam free.” That worries me a bit, because if you add a little jelly and some peanut butter, the combination could produce a reaction that may make me sick, or set off a seizure, or God forbid, a bowel movement.

My question is simply this: Is the .01% jam in your paper safe for use around office machinery?

If it is safe, why not say “Contains .01% jam, but it’s perfectly safe” in big letters, since I’m sure that I am not the only one who has this concern. You may end up selling a lot more paper that way.

By the way, I’m curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn’t look like confettii? Just curious. Also, I’d appreciate a Xerox keychain.

Thanks,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Thank you for your message.

We greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper. We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch. Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled donuts.

Our tests have shown that the .01% jam isn’t harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it. In fact the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print. However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around.

You may wish to enhance paper performance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper. They absolutely work best when used together. Or if you prefer you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper. Whatever you choose we are sure you will be pleased with the results.

In appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T-shirt.

If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know.

Guess what? I received a Xerox T-shirt, and a kick-ass Xerox polo shirt! These guys rule!

Dear Emperors of Electronics,

When I was growing up, my parents were ultra-strict Christians who would not allow a television (the devil’s tool) in our home. Now, at the age of 25, I am finally out on my own and guess what the first thing I bought with my very first paycheck (I’m an exterminator’s assistant) was? That’s right—a television (TV).

When I decided that I wanted one, I asked around in chatrooms, newsgroups, telephone surveys, and I even talked to some people at work, about what kind of “tv” set to buy. And the answer (52.4% of the time, I might add) was a boisterous “Panasonic.”

I talked to my friend in San Diego (who, I may remind you, has the EXACT SAME MODEL of “tv”) and found out that he paid $264.98 (tax included) for the EXACT SAME MODEL “tv”!!! As if that weren’t bad enough, his “tv” (which is the EXACT SAME MODEL) gives him a choice of over 100 “tv” stations to watch, while mine only gives me 5 (NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX, and PBS).

As I think it is only fair to hear your side of the story before I take legal action, I would like to give you the opportunity to tell your side of the story.

1. Why did you charge him $52.97 less for the EXACT SAME MODEL “tv”?
2. Why does his “tv” (which he paid less for, I remind you) receive more channels than mine? If anything, mine should receive more, for an extra $52.97
3. Do you have Panasonic keychains?

Awaiting your timely response,

David M. Cilluffo

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The Reply

Dear Mr. Cilluffo,

Thank you for your E-mail regarding your recent television purchase. We are pleased to know that you have chosen Panasonic.

The retail price for Panasonic products is determined by the dealer. Televisions are designed to receive all available signals in a viewing area, however, the number of stations available varies widely from one geographic area to another. The VHF (channels 2-13) and UHF (channels 14-69) television stations throughout the country broadcast at frequencies assigned by the Federal Communications Commission. The UHF stations are not available to TV viewers everywhere. When your friend uses cable television, a converter provides additional channels. Panasonic does not have a toll free number to order merchandise. Although, we would be happy to send you a keychain at no charge. Please E-mail us your address.

Congratualtions on the purchase of your first TV!

Cordially Yours, Panasonic Customer Call Center

Dear Sir or Madam:

I recently tried your much-lauded “Mach3” shaving system, and I have to say that I am extremely disappointed. Disappointed may actually be too mild a term. Outraged better describes how I’m feeling. But enough about me. I’m writing to tell you about my experience with your world-acclaimed “Mach3” shaving system.

I had heard a lot about this razor and had seen all the commercials, so when I had to replace my old razor I decided to give the Mach3 a try. You can imagine how excited I was when I entered the store, and how elated I was to finally have the Mach3 in my hands. I read all the instructions and prepared to use the Mach3 for the first time.

As you know, the razor’s selling point is that it has 3 parallel blades. This is what attracted me to your product, as my face tends to get pretty hairy pretty fast. I figured that with 3 blades, I could shave 3 times faster. With that in mind, I decided to go ahead and shave my legs.

Big mistake.

After just one shave, I looked like I had just walked through a giant cheese grater. Some spots I had no skin at all. My legs were a mess. I had to go to the emergency room to have 130 stitches put in, and I still have trouble walking. I used an entire bottle of iodine to disinfect my legs, and it burned like the dickens. You owe me at least $6.98 for the iodine.

I will admit that none of my leg hair grew back, so I guess in that respect it worked. But I thought the slogan was “The best a man can get” not “The best a man can get if he wants his legs to look like he just walked through a cheese grater.”

Horrifyingly yours,

David M. Cilluffo

P.S. You really should add some type of rustproofing to your blades.

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The Reply

RECEIVED ONE MACH 3 SHAVING SYSTEM!