Chiquita Banana

Dear Banana Experts,

If there are two things I love in this world, they are bananas and Cheerios. Every morning, without fail, I sit down and read the newspaper, eat my Cheerios (they’re low in fat), and eat a delicious Chiquita banana (in that order). It gives me the perfect breakfast to ensure I have enough energy to make it through the day.

However, my tale turns into one of woe: This morning, I overslept, and was unable to get my seven children (Chuck, Jerry, Larry, Sandy, Soda, Jennifer, and Chocula) up in time to catch the school bus. I certainly couldn’t let them skip school, as the judge said he wouldn’t go easy on me the next time. So, I packed them in my minivan and drove them to school. Upon my return, I realized that I would not have time to sit down and enjoy my breakfast and still make it to work on time (I’m an exterminator’s assistant). While devouring my Cheerios and preparing to eat a delicious Chiquita banana, I suddenly thought to myself, it would be much quicker if I ate the banana and the Cheerios together! I tried it, and boy, was it ever delicious!!! “I think I may be on to something,” I thought to myself. So I immediately took a sick day and sat down to write the people who know more about bananas than anyone else.

My proposal is this: why not market bananas as a delicious (and nutrious) additive for cereal? I know what you’re thinking: it’s so crazy it just might work. Think about it: I, by accident, discovered a breakfast combination that millions may soon come to enjoy. It’s only fair that I share this recipe with millions, if not billions worldwide.

As I love your company and the bananas it makes, I wouldn’t dream of asking for a cent for this discovery, although I think we both know I could justifiably ask for a LOT of money, my friends. Let me know what you plan to start running the advertisements, so I can have my VCR ready. In the meantime, I’ll start mixing bananas with other common foods so I can find other great taste combinations. Maybe bananas and bread? I will keep you informed of my progress.

Cheerios and bananas, two great tastes that taste great together (feel free to use that)

Going bananas,

David M. Cilluffo

 

Received a Chiquita Banana keychain!

Snap, Crackle, Pop

Dear General Mills,

I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I love your cereals! I eat them every morning, without fail. My seven children (Seth, Beth, Keith, Steve, Bobby, Stacie, and Chocula) also love your cereals just as much as I do.

I am writing to you to ask if it would be possible to have an autographed picture of those three whacky characters, Snap, Crackle, and Pop sent to my daughter Stacie. She anxiously sits in front of the television for hours at a time waiting to see their crazy antics. It is her 5th birthday coming up, and this would really make her day!

A keychain would be nice, too.

Your biggest fan,

David M. Cilluffo

Dear Mr. Cilluffo,
Thank you for your recent inquiry. The product you referred to is not manufactured by General Mills.

Unfortunately, we are unable to supply the address of the company that produces this product. You may want to contact the public library in your community for assistance.

We appreciate your thinking of General Mills, and regret we were unable to be of help.

Sincerely,

Pam Vlasnik
General Mills
Consumer Services

Pretty nifty how they won’t tell me who makes Rice Krispies, isn’t it? Undaunted, we press on, contacting the Erie County (PA) Public Library…
Dear Reference Professionals:

I have recently been in negotiations with a major cereal/breakfast foods manufacturer in an attempt to obtain an autographed photo of those zany elves, Snap, Crackle, and Pop. They informed me that they were unable to honor my request for a picture, but my local public library should have plenty of these in stock.

I thought to myself, why would a public library have treasures like this and not advertise it? But then I realized–the demand would be overwhelming. But it’s nice to know that I can turn to my public library for just about anything–no matter what!

Please send one photo (if they can be personalized, please have it made out to my daughter Stacie) and a keychain (if available). Is the photo free? If not, let me know how you want me to pay for it.

Reading is FUNdemental,

David M. Cilluffo

Hi, Dave,
In reference to your request about the picture of Snap, Crackle and Pop, we do not have any items like that in our collection. We do not receive items from private companies to include in our collection. If we did have such items, they would not be available for purchase. They would be a permanent part of our collection.

I don’t have any idea where items like this would be available. I visited the Kellogg website and they didn’t have any Snap, Crackle and Pop items for sale in their on-line store. Unless there is a organization that deals in cereal character collecting, I don’t think you would be able to obtain a photograph.

I wish I could be of more assistance to you, but I don’t think there is anything else I can do in this matter.

Terry Wirick
Erie County Public Library