Department of Veterinarian’s Affairs

Dear Veterans,
My name is David Cilluffo and I am in Mrs. Feltersnatch’s 8th grade english class and we are talking about jobs and we have to write a letter to a job we want to have some day so I am writing to you because I like veterans.

I want to be a veteran when I grow up because I saw a show on tv about veterans and how they help people who need help. My teacher said that we have to have stuff about how school you have to have for your job and stuff about it so can you please send it to me. And we have to tell the people at the job why we want to do it. Thank you.

So I will tell you why I want to be a veteran. I want to be a veteran because last year when my dog Laddie got hit by a exterminator’s truck he got hurt really bad. My dad said that my dog was stupid and now we can’t get a new panasonic tv because we have to pay the veteran to help Laddie. But I know that the veteran saved my dog and that’s why I want to be a veteran. Please write to me with stuff about being a veteran so I get a good grade on my paper. Thank you.

David M. Cilluffo

Dear Mr. Cilluffo:

Thank you for contacting the Department of Veterans Affairs. this agency is charged with administering benefits provided by law for veterans of the armed forces. A veterinarian is a person who practices veterinary medicine or surgery. Someone who treats animals. I hope this clear up the difference between veteran and veterinarian.
Sincerely,
Shirley Mathis
VA Consumer Affairs Service
Washington, D.C.

The Devil’s Tool

Dear Emperors of Electronics,

When I was growing up, my parents were ultra-strict Christians who would not allow a television (the devil’s tool) in our home. Now, at the age of 25, I am finally out on my own and guess what the first thing I bought with my very first paycheck (I’m an exterminator’s assistant) was? That’s right–a television (TV).

When I decided that I wanted one, I asked around in chatrooms, newsgroups, telephone surveys, and I even talked to some people at work, about what kind of “tv” set to buy. And the answer (52.4% of the time, I might add) was a boisterous “Panasonic.”

So I marched down to my local electronics store (I don’t have a car) and purchased model #CT-20R14, Digital monitor/receiver at the low low price of $317.95 (tax included). After lugging it home (you’d be suprised how heavy those are, but heavy = quality in my book) I immediately called my good friend, who lives in San Diego (about 2500 miles away, but only 10 cents a minute!) and told him about the TV I bought. Believe it or not, he had THE EXACT SAME MODEL!! How’s that for a coincidence! After hanging up the phone and eating a delicious banana, I unpacked my “tv” and read the manual. Several hours later, my tv was up and running and I was enjoying things I only heard the other kids in school talk about. Man, is that Bart Simpson a hoot! I had my TV a week when I learned some distressing news:

I talked to my friend in San Diego (who, I may remind you, has the EXACT SAME MODEL of “tv”) and found out that he paid $264.98 (tax included) for the EXACT SAME MODEL “tv”!!! As if that weren’t bad enough, his “tv” (which is the EXACT SAME MODEL) gives him a choice of over 100 “tv” stations to watch, while mine only gives me 5 (NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX, and PBS).

As I think it is only fair to hear your side of the story before I take legal action, I would like to give you the opportunity to tell your side of the story.

1) Why did you charge him $52.97 less for the EXACT SAME MODEL “tv”?
2) Why does his “tv” (which he paid less for, I remind you) receive more channels than mine? If anything, mine should receive more, for an extra $52.97
3) Do you have Panasonic keychains?

Awaiting your timely response,

David M. Cilluffo

Dear Mr. Cilluffo,

Thank you for your inquiry. To answer your first question. Panasonic did not charge you for your television. The dealer did. A dealer can sell his product for what ever price he wants to. This is an issue you will have to bring up with the dealer. The answer to your third question. We would like to send you a keychain, however we do not have any promotional items like that for our customers. Sorry. Now the answer to your second question could have many answers, so, we suggest that you call our Panasonic Customer Call Center for trouble shooting assistance. (800) 211-PANA. We are open for 9am to 9pm mon. thru fri.and 9am to 7pm on weekends eastern standard time.

Congratualtions on the purchase of your first TV!

Cordially Yours,
Panasonic Customer Call Center

Kick Start the Habit

Dear Counts of Cessation,
When I was a young boy growing up in rural Pennsylvania, I would sit at home waiting for my dad to come home from a long day at work (he was an exterminator’s assistant). As soon as he got home, he would crack open a fifth of Jim Beam and light up a cigarette. Sure, he had a violent temper and a habit of wrecking his cars a lot, but when it came to being a good father, he was second to none (except for maybe those TV sitcom fathers, like Bill Cosby).

Although he would beat me and my siblings (Jed, Jeb, Clem, Sally, Mary, Betsy, Ezekiel, and Quan Pham-Duc) senseless when he was on one of his drinking marathons (and there were a LOT of them, believe me, my friends), we knew that he loved us unconditionally. In fact, the only thing he loved more than us were his cigarettes.

When I saw him sit down in front of our Panasonic TV and light up a Camel, I couldn’t believe the look of tranquility that came over him. When that first breath of smoke hit his lungs and sent the nicotine surging through his blood, he looked like the happiest man alive.

Now, five years after his untimely death (he was killed in a freak car washing accident), I have been thinking about my father’s love for cigarettes. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes as I type this. I actually (for the first time in my life) went out and bought a pack of cigarettes (Camel–Dad’s brand).

I pulled the first cigarette out of the pack, gently inserted it between my lips, and, shivering in anticipation, applied the flame to the tip of the cigarette. “SWEET JESUS!!!” I bellowed, “This is the worst thing I have ever tasted!” I can’t understand how dad could be relaxed by smoking that….filth (for lack of a better word). But, as his oldest son, I am willing to try.

This is where you come in, my friends: I would like to know if you have any tips to help me “kick start” the habit, so to speak. What about your nicotine gum? Would it be easier to start smoking if I were already addicted to nicotine? Please let me know if this is a feasible way to start smoking, as I don’t want to spend all that money and still hate cigarettes.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy is a few packs short of a carton,” but let me assure you that I am sincere in my desire to live up to my father’s expectations. Please let me know how you can help.

Thanks in advance,

Dave Cilluffo

Thank you for visiting our Nicorette website and for contacting us.

We can’t help you. We do not recommend that you use Nicorette.

Knocked Up

Dear Health For Women,
I wanted to commending you on your excellent website! Ever since I was little girl growing in South Korea as the youngest of 11 children, I have dreamed of being a mother. As I carry 511 pounds on my 4′ 11″ frame, this was a dream I thought would never come true.

But that all changes 3 weeks ago when I met Dave–it was love at first site! He came to my modest apartment to get rid of some vermin in the kitchen (he’s an exterminator’s assistant) and we have been unable to keeping away from each other since then! Last week we were married, and although he have 9 children from 8 previous marriages, we decided to “add” to the family.

Unfortunately, although we have been try for approximately 8 days, we have been unable to conceive a child. In last 8 days, I have purchased 4 of your Fortel Home Pregnancy Kits. At 7.99 each (plus shipping), this is not exactly inexpensive, but I figured that the miracle of having a child was worth it. However, although we have tried 4 times (admittedly we didn’t follow the instructions the first time), your home pregnancy kits have been unsucessful in getting me pregnant. I would very much like to have a child (as I said earlier, it is my lifelong dream), I willing to keep trying, but spending 7.99 (plus shipping) every other night is going to be very trying on my finances.

I realize most corporations don’t like to failure, but is it possible that I have purchased 4 defective pregnancy kits in a row? I can understand one, or even two defective kits, but after using the fourth , surely I should have become pregnant.

I have decided that I will try one more kit, and if it doesn’t works, I will be forced to try another brand.

Is it possible that I am unable to conceive? I have a deathly fear of doctors and other people in white, so going to physician is out of the question. Also, on your kits, you should make several different types (i.e. let mothers-to-be choose the hair and eye color of their children, height, etc.)

Thank you for your time,

Kim-Li Cilluffo

From: “HealthforWomen.com”
To: KimLi@offrampmotel.com
Dear Kim-Li:

A pregnancy test does not get you pregnant. The intent of the test is to determine if you are pregnant and NOT to get you pregnant, the instructions explicitly say this. You take a pregnancy test the first day of a missed period to see if you are pregnant since a missed period is usually one of the first signs of pregnancy.

If you have some basic medical questions about women’s reproductive systems, I would recommend looking at http://www.plannedparenthood.org/. Planned Parenthood has excellent information on pregnancy, ovulation, etc.

Women who are trying to conceive often use an Ovulation Predictor Test which tells you when you are ovulating.

Here is an excerpt from Planned Parenthood on ovulation:

There are seven or eight days a month when women can become pregnant from vaginal intercourse.

* Sperm can live up to five days in the vagina. So women can become pregnant from having vaginal intercourse up to five days before ovulation.
* The egg lives a day or two after ovulation. This means that women are “fertile” (able to get pregnant) up to two days, and perhaps even longer, during and after ovulation.
* In total, a woman may become pregnant from vaginal intercourse during eight days of her menstrual cycle — up to five days before ovulation, the day of ovulation, and two days following ovulation. A woman’s menstrual cycles may vary from month to month, so it may be hard for her to know when intercourse can cause pregnancy.

To read the full article, please visit the site:

http://www.ciserv.com/PlannedParenthood2/

Our links page has many good women’s health sites, http://www.healthforwomen.com/links.html. If you still want to be sure, purchasing an ovulation kit is a safe bet – they are over 99% accurate in predicting ovulation. HealthforWomen.com offers Clearplan Easy [$26.99 plus $3.00 S&H] which contains one 5 day test kit.

Sincerely,

Anne
Customer Service

Mentadenteos

Dear Oracle of Oral Hygiene,
When I was young, children were instilled with a sense of values, unlike today. My father made sure I knew right from wrong. Growing up, my friends and I knew not to lie, cheat, steal, kill, or covet our neighbors’ wives. Of course, as I got older, those became a bit of a problem.. I guess that would explain all my prison tatoos, but one thing my dear old father taught me that I never outgrew–brush at least 14 times a day.

I believe that the lack of oral hygiene is one of the most important problems facing American society today. A few years ago, brushing a dozen or so times a day with regular toothpaste was sufficient for adequate oral hygiene. Now we have baking soda, peroxide, baking soda with peroxide, whitening, extra whitening, whitening with baking soda, whitening with peroxide, whitening with baking soda and peroxide, tartar control, tartar control whitening, and others.

One day a few weeks ago, I was having a backyard barbeque, and realized that my guests expected something more than celery and soy sauce for dessert. While I make quite a good living as an exterminator’s assistant, having a little party for 5 people sure can drain the old checking account. And I really couldn’t leave the party to run (I don’t have a car) to the nearest grocery superstore. So thinking fast, I ripped open a package of Oreo cookies, twisted the tops off, and licked all the white sugary stuff off the insides. Grabbing one of the many tubes of Mentadent toothpaste from my hall closet, I spread the toothpaste on each side of the oreo cookies and put them back together. WOW!!! These cookies of mine were a big hit. In fact, since coming up with this delicious snack cookie, which I call “Mentadenteos,” I have sold more than 500 packages. Who would have thought that I could become rich working out of my cockroach infested one bedroom apartment. At then end of July, I will begin a national marketing campaign, which should do quite well.

Anyways, what I was wondering is if it’s more effective to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush, or directly on my teeth when I brush.

Thanks,

Dave Cilluffo

Dear David,
Thanks for the fun! Try putting the paste on your brush, it spreads easier that way.

Julie

Let’s Make Smoking History

Dear PA Department of Health,
When I was driving to work the other day, I saw one of your billboards (a big sign ad along the side of the road) that said something about “Help us make smoking history.”

Let me tell you, your timing couldn’t have been better. You see, next month I will be attempting to make smoking history by smoking 50 cartons (10,000 cigarettes) in just 8 hours, in an attempt to get in the Guiness Book of Records.

As you can imagine, an attempt to make history like this one is going to be quite an event. The local paper is even thinking about writing an article about me. Of course, with the price of cigarettes going up, this feat isn’t going to be a cheap one, so I’ll be needing some sponsors. Originally, I wanted to stick with local businesses (good for the economy, you know), but after seeing your billboard, I knew you’d want to sponsor me. That’s why I went ahead and put your logo on the flyers I will begin distributing next week. Any donation over $1000 is most welcome, and you can send it to the address below.

Thanks in advance,

Dave Cilluffo

Dear Mr. Cilluffo,
This is in response to your e-mail dated July 25, 1999 regarding the “Help us make smoking history” billboard. This billboard is presented to the Erie community through the Erie County Tobacco Free Coalition. Funding for the billboard is made available from the Pennsylvania Tobacco Prevention Network (PTPN). PTPN receives funding from the Pennsylvania Department of Health.

In addition, The Department of Health has launched a statewide billboard campaign designed to help reduce smoking by youth. These billboards (almost 400 statewide) are targeted to youth between the ages of 9-14. In the near future these billboards will be available for viewing on our website www.health.state.pa.us. Thanks for your comments.

God’s Etch-a-Sketch

Dear State of South Dakota,

Greetings and salutations! I’m writing to you concerning your amazing Mount Rushmore. I was hoping to get a little more information on this amazing rock structure for an article I’m writing for my local church newsletter, entitled “Mount Rushmore: God’s Etch-a-sketch.”

Since it is common knowledge that Mount Rushmore was formed in prehistoric times by a bizzare lightning strike, I am focusing my article on the fact that since the odds of lightning carving those four anonymous faces (we may never know who they were–perhaps disciples?) are so astronomical, the fact that it even exists it proof positive of God’s existence.

To the best of your knowledge, has an article like this ever been written? I have looked for more information on Mount Rushmore, but suprisingly, none seems to exist, so I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on this mysterious phenomenon. Rest assured that you will receive full credit for your input in the article.

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo

Thank you for your interest in Mt. Rushmore.
Mt. Rushmore was carved by a man named Gutzon Borglum. The memorial took 14 years to complete and was completed in 1927. The memorial is Borglum’s vision for “the formal rendering of the philosophy of our government into granite on a mountain peak.” He carved images of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt.

For more information on Mt. Rushmore, please see the following web sites:

http://www.travelsd.com/rushmore/index.htm

http://www.nps.gov/moru/

If you need further information, please let me know. Thank you!

Sign Here

Dear Copyright Office,

I am writing to you because I am attempting to copyright something, but after looking at your website, and seeing the myriad of forms available for download, I am a bit confused on which one to fill out for my request.

You see, I have never enjoyed writing. Especially my signature. Over the years, my signature has transmogrified from a fairly legible “Cilluffo” to the now-familiar “C” inside a circle (not unlike the copyright symbol).

As I have noticed that this copyright symbol seems to be commonly used, and is almost identical to my signature, I am afraid that works with this symbol will be confused as being originated by me personally, and this could result in many misunderstandings, no matter how well-intentioned.

That is why I am writing to you, friends. I would like to copyright the © symbol, to prevent any future misunderstandings. I feel that when I own the intellectual rights to this symbol, people will be a little less liberal in their use of it–plus, they’ll have to pay me.

Please send me the appropriate forms so that we can get the ball rolling, so to speak

Sincerely,

David M. ©

Your signature is not copyrightable, nor is a familiar symbol.
U.S. Copyright Office
Library of Congress
Washington DC 20559
or
http://www.loc.gov/copyright
202/707-3000 public information
202/707-9100 forms online
202/707-2600 fax-on-demand

The Chosen One

Dear Mr. Bloom,

For more than a month now, I have been trying to contact someone from Cendant Corporation concerning my stay at a Ramada Inn in July. So far, the only response I have received is a form letter from someone claiming to be Judy Fairchild, E-mail Administrator. I have kindly included a copy of my original correspondence, and I am confident that once you read it, you will see the seriousness of this issue and act on it at once.

I tried to send an email to the contact person you have listed on your website, but the email bounced back, saying “Unknown Recipient.” You may want to look into that. Thanks in advance for your prompt reply,

David M. Cilluffo

———————–

Dear Lords of Lodging,

I wanted to write you a note to let you know how much I enjoyed staying in one of your find hotels from July 1-5, 1999. The service was exquisite, the prices reasonable, and insect infestations were at a minimum. I spend about 10 months out of every year staying in hotels and motels in my journeys around the country, but last week was the first time I had the opportunity to stay in one of your fine hotels.

While it’s true that I enjoyed my stay, I was curious about something: I noticed that there was a copy of the Gideon Bible in the nightstand. While I certainly believe in freedom of religion, and would never force my beliefs on others, it’s important that you understand that I am the Oracle of the Light of the Chosen One, and shortly I will assume my rightful throne in Heaven. I’m sure you would like your guests to go to Heaven when they die, so they need to understand that they must become my followers if this is to be.

I think it would help save the souls of millions of people a year if your hotel chains would remove the Gideon Bibles and replace them with the Book of the Righteously Divine Follower of the Chosen. These books are available for a nominal fee, also at the address below. I implore you to think about the souls of your customers, and your employees at once. I think you will agree that this is very important to all concerned, so I will expect your order shortly.

Yours In Holiness,

David M. Cilluffo
The Chosen One

PS: Please send me a Ramada Inn keychain.

Dear Mr. Cilluffo:
I have forwarded your message to Ramada. You should hear back from someone very soon. I am sorry you’ve had trouble contacting Ramada. Hopefully, your issue will be resolved to your satisfaction.

Sincerely,

Elliot Bloom

———-

We apologize that you have not received a response. We have again forwarded your e-mail to our Customer Service Department and they will be responding directly to you by mail.

Thank You

Judy Fairchild
E-mail administrator

———-
From: Anderson, Doug
Sent: Wednesday, September 15, 1999 7:22 AM
To: Fairchild, Judy
Subject: FW: Ramada Complaint

Judy: I’m the PR Manager for Ramada in Parsippany and I just received the below e-mail to handle. Can you e-mail everything you have received from this nut-case to date. Thanks,

Doug Anderson

I was forwarded your e-mail requesting that the Ramada chain purchase your divine scriptures to ensure the “lodging” of its guests in the after-life. Unfortunately, as a franchise organization, each property is individually owned and operated and purchasing decisions (particularly insurance) is made at the property level. All sales-related requests should therefore be directed to the property and not the corporate office.
Thank you.

Doug Anderson
Ramada Public Relations

This letter can be a little confusing, but basically it consists of my letter to the corporation, followed by responses from Elliot Bloom and Judy Fairchild, and a copy of an email from Doug Anderson to Judy Fairchild which was mistakenly (?) forwarded to me. Finally, the courteous response from Doug Anderson to me.

Going Bananas

Dear Fresh Fruit People,

If there are three things in the world that I love, it’s Dole Bananas, Cheerios, and my wife. In that order. But yesterday I made an amazing discovery that I wanted to share with you:

Every morning, without fail, I sit down at the kitchen table and eat a banana, drink a glass of delicious Dole Pineapple Juice, and then eat a bowl of Cheerios.

However, yesterday morning I was running late for my job as an exterminator’s assistant, so I decided to do a little something different–eat my banana and my Cheerios at the same time. However, the bannana fell into the Cheerios. As you can imagine, I was extremely distraught. But not wanting to waste any time picking the banana out of the Cheerios, I decided to just go ahead and eat them together.

That is when I made this amazing discovery–Dole Bananas & Cheerios–Two great tastes that taste great together (feel free to use that)

You might want to team up with General Mills to heavily advertise this new recipie, which I feel will make millions of Dole Banana-loving Americans go to sleep each night in anticipation of a hearty breakfast of Dole Bananas and Cheerios (together at last!)

And don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of asking for money for this ingenious idea. Sharing this delicious breakfast with millions of hungry people is enough for me. A keychain would be nice though.

A great Dole Banana fan,

David M. Cilluffo

Subject: Thanks for writing us
Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 06:43:22 -0400 (EDT)
From: DOLEFOODCOMPANY@BEV.NET
To: Dave@offrampmotel.com
Thank you for your message to Dole Food Company. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us. Your message has been forwarded to the appropriate department for response. You will be receiving a response as soon as possible.

This is an automated announcement from Dole Food Company. Please do not respond to this message.

Thank You

Well, as much as I would like to respond to this message, somehow I don’t think they are interested in my recipe…