Flesh Removal at Mach 3

Dear Sir or Madam:

I recently tried your much-lauded “Mach3” shaving system, and I have to say that I am extremely disappointed. Disappointed may actually be too mild a term. Outraged better describes how I’m feeling. But enough about me. I’m writing to tell you about my experience with your world-acclaimed “Mach3” shaving system.

It was about a year ago that I saw my first “Mach3” commercial, and from that moment on, I made the near-fatal decision that I absolutely had to have one, no matter the cost. Unfortunately, when I arrived at my local variety store, and saw what the cost was, I thought that a “Mach3” shaving system was out of my reach. You see, although I own a mildly successful extermination company, my wife (Olga) has a rather expensive addiction to prescription laxatives, thereby putting the “Mach3” shaving system beyond my reach–or so I thought.

Several weeks later, we moved into a new apartment. In exchange for the landlord reducing the security deposit by $15, we agreed to clean up the mess that the old tenant had left. After 3 weeks of throwing out the literally 4 foot high pile of rotting garbage, paper, plastic cutlery, and other assorted trash, I came upon a treasure–a Gillette “Mach3” shaving system. Although the razor was stuck to an old Tootsie Pop, I managed to pry it loose, and tried shaving with it immediately. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but after several weeks, the discomfort went away, and I began shaving with even greater fervor–sometimes as often as 6 or 7 times a day–after several months of this my face and chest began taking on the texture of beef jerky. As I could not feel any pain when shaving (actually, I can no longer feel much of anything on my face or chest anymore) I thought to myself, “What a wonderful, smooth razor.”

To make a long story short, we’ll skip ahead 7 months and 3 weeks. Now, this razor that served me so faithfully causes my flesh to literally peel away. It doesn’t bleed much anymore, but I do get some stares since you can see my molars even with my mouth closed. I’m beginning to think that you should change the name to the “Mach3” flesh-removing system. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I was never model material, but now the only time I can go out in public is on Halloween. I can’t believe you would release a product like this without thoroughly testing it first, but it appears that’s what you did. I truly hope that you make the necessary modifications to your product to ensure that this doesn’t happen to any other unfortunate soul.

Horrifyingly yours,

David M. Cilluffo
Erie, PA

P.S. You really should add some type of rustproofing to your blades.



A Slight Mishap

Dear Aleve,

I am writing to tell about an experience I recently had with your Aleve pain reliever. My experience was both good and bad. I’ve found that although your pain reliever works as well as you claim, it takes a ridiculously long amount of time to take effect. I’ve also found some serious side effects that you may want to look into. But enough about me, let’s talk about your product.

It all started about 3 months ago. I was knitting a hat for my son, Quan Pham-Duc when I heard a loud “CRACK!!!” and felt a sharp pain in my right leg. Looking down, I noticed a bit of blood and what appeared to be a rather large piece of bone protruding from my right thigh. Although my religion prohibits the use of doctors, I watch E.R. once in a while, and immediately recognized my predicament–a bad sprain. Thinking back to the article on first aid I read years ago, I knew I needed to reduce the swelling. I had my son, Jonah, bring me a hair dryer so I could keep the injury as warm as possible. Those first aid people don’t know much, I can tell you–it didn’t keep it from swelling OR reduce the pain. So I had my son, Nameratuutii, run to the store and buy me some pain reliever. I remembered seeing your commercial on my Panasonic “TV” so I told him to make sure he bought your brand. Well, it took him over 2 hours to return home, by which point I was nearly delerious with pain, so I was rather anxious to take my new Aleve. Well, I took one Aleve (as directed) and waited. And waited. Nothing. I figured that since I’m a pretty big guy (352 pounds) maybe the medicine was having a hard time finding my leg, so I took 4 more Aleves. Approximately one hour later, the pain reduced from an unbearable pain to a slightly less unbearable pain. To make a long story short, I took 8 Aleve tablets a day for 7 weeks before it reduced the pain to a bearable level. That doesn’t sound like “All day strong” to me. You really should have mentioned on the bottle that you have to take this product for 2 months before it starts to work.

My other problem is the side effects. In the 3 months I’ve been using Aleve my skin on my leg has gone from a pasty white to a grayish-black color. And the smell! I won’t even get into that. Obviously, your Aleve is to blame, as this never happened until I started taking Aleve. My neighbor said I should “sue” you, as I haven’t been able to get off the couch for 3 months now. Luckily for you, my religion forbids the use of lawyers as well, so I guess I’ll have to find another way to get some money out of you.

I don’t know what you’re putting in your medicine that takes so long to work AND produces such horrid side effects, but next time I get a sprain, you can bet I’ll be using Motrin.


David M. Cilluffo

Achy Breaky Heart

Dear Hamot Health Foundation,
I am wondering if you can answer some questions for me. I am a 28 year old exterminator’s assistant, and as such am exposed on a daily basis to many extremely poisonous chemicals.

My problem is that for the last few weeks I have been having severe chest pains. Basically, it feels like someone is parking a school bus on my chest. I know it’s not a problem with my heart, because I smoke less than 2 packs a day, am less than 50% above my “ideal” body weight, and I only drink beer–never wine or hard liquor. I can also feel my pulse down my whole left arm most of the time, and a guy I work with tells me that means I have a strong heart.

I think we can both agree that it’s not heart-related (which is good, because both my parents died of heart attacks in their 40s), but I am truly mystified as to what could be causing it. Do you think it could be related to the chemicals I use at work? I was thinking about suing my boss and the company that makes the chemicals for giving me chest pains (sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even walk). Would you be able to go to court and tell them that it’s definately the chemicals giving me these chest pains. I’d be happy to give you a percentage of what I win. Also, if you know a good lawyer, I’d really appreciate it if you could give me his number.

Well, the chest pains are coming back and it’s getting hard to breathe, let alone type, so I’ll sign off for now.

Anxiously waiting your reply,

David M. Cilluffo

Thanks for your e-mail. I’m not sure how much help we can be without truly knowing al the details for your problems. My first and only recommendation is to go to your doctor pretty fast. If you cannot get to your doctor, visit an emergency room and have them take a look at you. Chest pain is serious business regardless of what is causing it – let a trained physician diagnose your problem. Good luck.

Thank you

Boo Hagerty
Sr. VP of Marketing and Communications

Stamp of Approval

Dear Schwaab,
Two months ago, I wrote to you inquiring about ordering one of your self-inking stamps, yet I still have not heard from you. I have kindly enclosed a copy of my original inquiry in case it got lost:

I am wondering if you could help me. My dad owns a successful exterminating business, so he has lots of money, but he’s real stingy with it. For my 16th birthday, he bought me a new Camaro when he knew that I wanted a Porsche. I mean, it’s not like he can’t afford it! I don’t know why he is so greedy, but I am sick of it! I was hoping you could help me.

If I send you a copy of his signature, could you make me a stamp of it? He leaves his checkbook lying out when he’s in the shower, but I can’t even come close to making my writing look like his signature.

About how long would it take to make the stamp? Let me know how to send you the signature, and send the stamp as soon as you can. I can pay COD by check.

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo



Straight to the Top

Dear Vicars of Value,
First of all, I want to tell you what a great store you have. Whether I need diapers (I have 9 children under the age of 8), magazines, or supplies for work (I’m an exterminator’s assistant), I know that I can head to my local Wal-Mart store and find high quality products, low prices, and friendly service.

Unfortunately, last week this was not to be. Before I tell my story, I must begin with a brief introduction. Bear with me, it really is necessary.

You see, last week I discovered that I had a problem with hemorrhoids. While many people would be embarrassed by this fact, I’m not ashamed at all. I mean, if the medicines are so popular, I can’t be the only one with them, can I? Of course not.

When I discovered my affliction, I went straight to the hospital emergency room. Six hours later, when I spoke with the doctor, he told me it was nothing serious, and I should take over-the-counter hemorrhoid medication. Nothing to worry about, indeed! Obviously, he doesn’t have hemorrhoids!

Anways, I hopped on my bicycle and rode straight to…can you guess where? That’s right–Wal-Mart! I walked into the store, said hello to all the employees who greeted me, and went straight to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy. Scanning the shelves, I finally found what I was looking for–Equate (your store brand) Hemorrhoidal Suppositories. I chose your store brand because it contains the same active ingredient as the leading brand, at a much lower price. This is where my sad tale begins, my friends.

You see, I got home, ripped open the package, and gently removed one suppository from its tamper-proof coating. Filling a glass with nice, cool, slightly murky tap water, I quickly swallowed the suppository. Several hours later, not only were my hemorrhoids not cleared up, but my stomach was in knots. I could barely even lift myself out of bed. The next morning, my stomach felt better, but I am apprehensive about trying any more of this medication. Is it possible that I got a defective lot of medication? Please take the time to reply, because I don’t want to keep suffering.

Yours in agony,

David M. Cilluffo

PS–Please send me a Wal-Mart keychain. Thank you

Thank you for your message we received. Please contact the Pharmancy department of the Erie store, Jeff Cox -814-864-7730 and he will be more than happy to help you with your questions and problems on the medication. Thank you
Customer Service

Law Degree In 6 Months

Dear American Bar Association,
Ever since the age of 5, and my mother’s 6th divorce, I knew that I wanted to be a lawyer. Unfortunately, we had a very large family (9 children under the age of 8) which can get quite expensive, as I’m sure you understand, so I was unable to attend our fine community college here.

But many years have gone by, and I am making a comfortable living as an exterminator’s assistant, and I believe it is finally time to realize my dream–becoming a lawyer!

As I would have to keep my job (I have 9 kids from 7 marriages to feed) I was hoping that I could enroll in one of your correspondence courses. I believe that it would be easier if I could get my law degree from the comfort of my own home. And, if I may be immodest for a moment, I am quite an accomplished reader, so I could probably finish the course within 6 months or so.

Please send me the first lesson of the course to the below address and let me know how you would like me to pay for it. (Do you accept Shell gas cards?)

Dreaming of litigation,

David M. Cilluffo (<–good lawyer name)

I congratulate you on your decision to become a lawyer, however, the ABA does not handle correspondence courses for law degrees. What I would suggest is that you contact the State of California, Office of Admissions at 555 Franklin Street, San Francisco, CA 94102; telephone number 415/561-8303; WEB: www.calbar.org. They may be able to help you with a correspondence course. Good luck!


Dear State Bar of California,
I can’t begin to tell you how much law means to me. I guess I could be considered a “law junkie” [meaning a person who has an “addiction” to law].

I was conversing with a good friend of mine, Sherry Gouwens (of the American Bar Association) the other day, and I mentioned to her that I thought it was time I became a lawyer, but I couldn’t afford to go to college (9 kids + 7 marriages = BILLS, my friend!).

Well, Sherry (who has always been one for resourcefulness) told me about your correspondence courses! When I heard that I could become a lawyer in less than 6 months from the comfort of my home, I was overjoyed! I said to Sherry, “this can’t be real,” but she assured me it was!

I want to thank you in advance for allowing me to live my dream! You have truly turned my life around!

Please send me my first lesson, and let me know how you would like me to pay for it:

David M. Cilluffo (<–soon to be lawyer!)

Skin Deep

Dear Sultans of Skincare,
I found your website and it looks like you know pretty much all there is to know about skin care, so I’m hoping you can help me:

I am 18 years old and a senior at Feltersnatch Memorial High School here in rural Pennsylvania. Our senior prom is coming up in a few short days and I’d like to make it extra special for my girlfriend (Ursula). Everyone knows that prom night is THE night to get drunk. The biggest problem is getting the alcohol. You have to be 21 to buy beer and stuff, and I am 18 (3 years too young) and, to make matters worse, I have to admit that I look like I’m about 12.

This is where you come in, friends. Since you make skin cream to make people look younger, would it be possible to make a cream to make me look older? I figure if you can make me look at least 30 or 35 I shouldn’t even need I.D. Is this feasible? Do you get a lot of requests for this product? I didn’t see it offered on your website, but it shouldn’t take your scientists more than an hour or so to make, should it? I make $5.15 an hour at McDonald’s, but I figure your scientists make at least $8.00 an hour, so I’d be happy to pay them for their overtime or whatever. Money is no object as I have my dad’s American Express card. If you don’t take that I can get his Visa, but I’ll have to wait until he forgets to take his wallet to work again (he’s an exterminator’s assistant).

This really means a lot to me, so please don’t take too long to reply. You can send the cream to the address below and let me know how you want me to pay for it. Also, do you have keychains?

Thanks a bunch,

Dave Cilluffo

Thanks for your message, David.
I’m sorry to disappoint you but we’ll not be making a cream to make someone look older.

Hope you and your girlfriend have a great time at the prom and remember…you’re 18, that’s a wonderful age, enjoy it!

USA Oil of Olay Team

Flat Out of Luck

Dear Uniroyal Tire People,
I own a 1987 Firebird that I bought new in 1991. As it was a leftover, I got a pretty good deal on it. I don’t mean to brag, but I got them to knock $500 off the sticker. Anyways, although I have 7 small children (ranging from 1’10” to 4’9″) I have no problem whatsoever hauling them around. Until January 1, 2000, that is.

You see, on the morning of January 1, I went out to my car at the ungodly hour of 9:46 am to go to work (I’m an exterminator’s assistant). Well, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a red Firebird with 4 flat tires. Well, they sure weren’t flat the night before when I had a bitter breakup with my live-in girlfriend (Ursula). I have been pondering this dilemma for almost 3 weeks now, and just learned some distressing news.

Apparently, there is some sort of worldwide glitch known as “Y2K” which can cause all sorts of things to go haywire, from shoelaces to Panasonic “TV”s. I guess it has something to do with dates being screwed up or something. Why the media never alerted the public to this potential disaster, I’ll never know, but I digress…

What I am wondering is if it’s possible that these tires are not “Y2K” compliant. I mean, you have to admit that 4 tires don’t go flat overnight like that for no reason. So obviously, it has to be a problem with this “Y2K” thingy.

So what I want to know from you is, what do intend to do about this problem? Once I found out about this “Y2K” glitch in my tires, I was planning on marching (I can’t very well drive, can I?) to my attorney’s office to settle this, but I think it’s only fair to give you the opportunity to replace these defective tires before I take legal action and possibly damage your good name.

Thanks in advance for your prompt reply,

David M. Cilluffo

Melting in My Mouth

Dear M&M/Mars,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I love your M&M candies! I have been eating them for as long as I can remember. Even when the government found out the red ones caused cancer and made you pull them from the market, I stood by you! If I HAD gotten cancer from eating M&M’s, you can bet your bottom dollar that I wouldn’t be running to a lawyer’s office to sue you, no siree! At least I would know I died eating the food I love–M&M’s!!! I guess that explains the 511 pounds on my 5’7″ frame, but I digress…

The reason I am writing is because I recently bought a brand new Panasonic TV. Unfortunately, Panasonic put the wrong TV in the box, so I am unable to get cable, but I can’t really comment any more on that until the lawsuit is settled. I’m sure you understand. Anyway, without cable, the most entertaining thing I have seen on TV is those commercials featuring the zany antics of those little walking, talking M&M’s. My 7 children (Buck, Zoe, Clarissa, Oscar, Ebenezer, Joachim, and Chocula) love them even more that I do!

As it is Zoe’s 5th birthday coming up, and I’d like to make this birthday memorable for her, I’d like to rent several of the M&M’s characters for her birthday party on June 5th, 1998. I would gladly pay $10,000 per M&M for the 6 hour party, as well as a $200,000 deposit against accidental death or dismemberment. Money is no object, as I own a successful exterminating company.

You’re probably worried about their safety around a bunch of 5 year olds, but I can assure you that they would be handled with the upmost care.

Please respond as soon as possible, as I already told Zoe that she would be getting something extra-special for her birthday, and I’d hate to see the disappointment on her face if I can’t arrange this in time for her party. Any promotional items you offer would be great as well (preferably a keychain).

Melting in my mouth,

David M. Cilluffo

No Reply. Ok, let’s try this again:

Dear M&M/Mars Div of Mars, Inc.,

Several days ago I sent you an email message regarding the rental of several of the talking M&M’s from your tv commercials for my daughter Zoe’s birthday party (June 6th).

My son, Buck, keeps asking me why you haven’t answered me. “They’re just busy coating rich, creamy milk chocolate in a delicious candy shell, son,” I keep telling him, but it’s easy to see how an impressionable 7 year old boy can only buy this excuse for so long.

“Maybe they misplaced my letter,” I thought to myself, so I have kindly attached my original missive to this letter. Please answer soon, so that I don’t lose face in front of my son Buck (age 7). And, as Zoe’s birthday is a mere 2 weeks away, I’d like to get the monetary part of this agreement settled as soon as possible, as the legal documents may take a bit of time to draw up.

I realize I didn’t give you much advance notice of my desire to rent these cute little creatures, but my daughter only recently mentioned the possibility to me, and I’d hate to break her heart.

Thank you,

David M. Cilluffo

Hi David
Thank you for your recent message. I apologize your first message was not answered, but I do not show a record of it. Each year we receive thousands of requests, many very similar to yours. Unfortunately, we must deny the request because the characters are not available for this type of event.

We would like to send Zoe an “M&M’s” Plush Character for her birthday, and hope she will enjoy it.

Have a nice day
Your friends at M&M/MARS


A Sticky Situation

Dear Kings of Kopiers: (feel free to use that)
I just started a new job as an exterminator’s assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients. Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper.

While the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I’d better check with you about it.

On the box, there is a little thing that says 99.99% jam free. I know that sometimes wood finds its way into paper, but jam? I was always taught to keep all food and drinks away from computer equipment, especially something as sticky as jam. Now, I realize that it is a very small amount of jam in each piece of paper, but we use an awful LOT of paper, my friends, and all that jam is sure to add up. Won’t that adversely affect the life of our printer? I mean, I’m sure you know what you’re doing when it comes to paper, but we use more than the average consumer, so maybe we would be better off with a “Jam-free” paper, if you offer such a product. I will look for it next time I am shopping, which will be soon, as I don’t want to use any more of this paper until I find out if it’s really safe.

If it is safe, why not say “Contains .01% jam, but it’s perfectly safe” in big letters, since I’m sure that I am not the only one who has this concern. You may end up selling a lot more paper that way.

By the way, I’m curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn’t look like confettii? Just curious. Also, I’d appreciate a Xerox keychain.


David M. Cilluffo

Thank you for your message.
We greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper. We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch. Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled donuts.

Our tests have shown that the .01% jam isn’t harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it. In fact the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print. However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around.

You may wish to enhance paper performance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper. They absolutely work best when used together. Or if you prefer you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper. Whatever you choose we are sure you will be pleased with the results.

In appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T- shirt.

If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know.

Guess what? I received a Xerox T-shirt, and a kick-ass Xerox polo shirt! These guys rule!