Flesh Removal at Mach 3

Dear Sir or Madam:

I recently tried your much-lauded “Mach3” shaving system, and I have to say that I am extremely disappointed. Disappointed may actually be too mild a term. Outraged better describes how I’m feeling. But enough about me. I’m writing to tell you about my experience with your world-acclaimed “Mach3” shaving system.

It was about a year ago that I saw my first “Mach3” commercial, and from that moment on, I made the near-fatal decision that I absolutely had to have one, no matter the cost. Unfortunately, when I arrived at my local variety store, and saw what the cost was, I thought that a “Mach3” shaving system was out of my reach. You see, although I own a mildly successful extermination company, my wife (Olga) has a rather expensive addiction to prescription laxatives, thereby putting the “Mach3” shaving system beyond my reach–or so I thought.

Several weeks later, we moved into a new apartment. In exchange for the landlord reducing the security deposit by $15, we agreed to clean up the mess that the old tenant had left. After 3 weeks of throwing out the literally 4 foot high pile of rotting garbage, paper, plastic cutlery, and other assorted trash, I came upon a treasure–a Gillette “Mach3” shaving system. Although the razor was stuck to an old Tootsie Pop, I managed to pry it loose, and tried shaving with it immediately. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but after several weeks, the discomfort went away, and I began shaving with even greater fervor–sometimes as often as 6 or 7 times a day–after several months of this my face and chest began taking on the texture of beef jerky. As I could not feel any pain when shaving (actually, I can no longer feel much of anything on my face or chest anymore) I thought to myself, “What a wonderful, smooth razor.”

To make a long story short, we’ll skip ahead 7 months and 3 weeks. Now, this razor that served me so faithfully causes my flesh to literally peel away. It doesn’t bleed much anymore, but I do get some stares since you can see my molars even with my mouth closed. I’m beginning to think that you should change the name to the “Mach3” flesh-removing system. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I was never model material, but now the only time I can go out in public is on Halloween. I can’t believe you would release a product like this without thoroughly testing it first, but it appears that’s what you did. I truly hope that you make the necessary modifications to your product to ensure that this doesn’t happen to any other unfortunate soul.

Horrifyingly yours,

David M. Cilluffo
Erie, PA

P.S. You really should add some type of rustproofing to your blades.