Flat Out of Luck

Dear Uniroyal Tire People,
I own a 1987 Firebird that I bought new in 1991. As it was a leftover, I got a pretty good deal on it. I don’t mean to brag, but I got them to knock $500 off the sticker. Anyways, although I have 7 small children (ranging from 1’10” to 4’9″) I have no problem whatsoever hauling them around. Until January 1, 2000, that is.

You see, on the morning of January 1, I went out to my car at the ungodly hour of 9:46 am to go to work (I’m an exterminator’s assistant). Well, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a red Firebird with 4 flat tires. Well, they sure weren’t flat the night before when I had a bitter breakup with my live-in girlfriend (Ursula). I have been pondering this dilemma for almost 3 weeks now, and just learned some distressing news.

Apparently, there is some sort of worldwide glitch known as “Y2K” which can cause all sorts of things to go haywire, from shoelaces to Panasonic “TV”s. I guess it has something to do with dates being screwed up or something. Why the media never alerted the public to this potential disaster, I’ll never know, but I digress…

What I am wondering is if it’s possible that these tires are not “Y2K” compliant. I mean, you have to admit that 4 tires don’t go flat overnight like that for no reason. So obviously, it has to be a problem with this “Y2K” thingy.

So what I want to know from you is, what do intend to do about this problem? Once I found out about this “Y2K” glitch in my tires, I was planning on marching (I can’t very well drive, can I?) to my attorney’s office to settle this, but I think it’s only fair to give you the opportunity to replace these defective tires before I take legal action and possibly damage your good name.

Thanks in advance for your prompt reply,

David M. Cilluffo