Melting in My Mouth

Dear M&M/Mars,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I love your M&M candies! I have been eating them for as long as I can remember. Even when the government found out the red ones caused cancer and made you pull them from the market, I stood by you! If I HAD gotten cancer from eating M&M’s, you can bet your bottom dollar that I wouldn’t be running to a lawyer’s office to sue you, no siree! At least I would know I died eating the food I love–M&M’s!!! I guess that explains the 511 pounds on my 5’7″ frame, but I digress…

The reason I am writing is because I recently bought a brand new Panasonic TV. Unfortunately, Panasonic put the wrong TV in the box, so I am unable to get cable, but I can’t really comment any more on that until the lawsuit is settled. I’m sure you understand. Anyway, without cable, the most entertaining thing I have seen on TV is those commercials featuring the zany antics of those little walking, talking M&M’s. My 7 children (Buck, Zoe, Clarissa, Oscar, Ebenezer, Joachim, and Chocula) love them even more that I do!

As it is Zoe’s 5th birthday coming up, and I’d like to make this birthday memorable for her, I’d like to rent several of the M&M’s characters for her birthday party on June 5th, 1998. I would gladly pay $10,000 per M&M for the 6 hour party, as well as a $200,000 deposit against accidental death or dismemberment. Money is no object, as I own a successful exterminating company.

You’re probably worried about their safety around a bunch of 5 year olds, but I can assure you that they would be handled with the upmost care.

Please respond as soon as possible, as I already told Zoe that she would be getting something extra-special for her birthday, and I’d hate to see the disappointment on her face if I can’t arrange this in time for her party. Any promotional items you offer would be great as well (preferably a keychain).

Melting in my mouth,

David M. Cilluffo

No Reply. Ok, let’s try this again:

Dear M&M/Mars Div of Mars, Inc.,

Several days ago I sent you an email message regarding the rental of several of the talking M&M’s from your tv commercials for my daughter Zoe’s birthday party (June 6th).

My son, Buck, keeps asking me why you haven’t answered me. “They’re just busy coating rich, creamy milk chocolate in a delicious candy shell, son,” I keep telling him, but it’s easy to see how an impressionable 7 year old boy can only buy this excuse for so long.

“Maybe they misplaced my letter,” I thought to myself, so I have kindly attached my original missive to this letter. Please answer soon, so that I don’t lose face in front of my son Buck (age 7). And, as Zoe’s birthday is a mere 2 weeks away, I’d like to get the monetary part of this agreement settled as soon as possible, as the legal documents may take a bit of time to draw up.

I realize I didn’t give you much advance notice of my desire to rent these cute little creatures, but my daughter only recently mentioned the possibility to me, and I’d hate to break her heart.

Thank you,

David M. Cilluffo

Hi David
Thank you for your recent message. I apologize your first message was not answered, but I do not show a record of it. Each year we receive thousands of requests, many very similar to yours. Unfortunately, we must deny the request because the characters are not available for this type of event.

We would like to send Zoe an “M&M’s” Plush Character for her birthday, and hope she will enjoy it.

Have a nice day
Your friends at M&M/MARS